and I felt nothing

Today was the older 2's last swimming class for this session. Isaac is still a Salamander, and Norah passed out of Sea Turtle....into Salamander. So if we sign them up for the next round, they can be in the same class. But Salamander isn't parent participation, and I'm not sure Norah is ready for that step yet. We may put off Saturday swimming lessons until the Fall.

Also, Isaac's soccer season will be starting up soon-ish (or so the rumor goes), and his games will be Saturday mornings. Which would overlap swimming lessons. :/ This may take some juggling.

While we were at the pool, I was chatting with a couple of the other parents. We are all going to have our kids in immersion next fall, and most of the kids are going into soccer. I so hope that Isaac is on the same team as Drew, Nick and Carson, it would be great for him to start off K in the fall with some buddies. Carson's mom was there with her tiny, newborn baby girl. Baby Margo is so cute, so tiny and so precious. And I felt nothing. You know, when you see a little tiny baby and you feel that 'baby crush'? The feeling like you want that for yourself? Yep, didn't have that. At all. She's tiny and precious and beautiful. And not mine. And that's good. I really feel like I'm moving out of my mothering little babies phase.

Now I just need to remember some of the parts of me that I forgot or pushed aside to go through this phase of mothering tiny ones.

pays to be picky

I've been asked to take the car seat tech course on behalf of a local association. I would then be their 'go to' person for car seat installation. As this group works closely with pregnant women and new moms, it would be a good opportunity to make sure new babies are traveling safely - especially given how many in this town aren't in carseats properly (or at all). Best part? They will pay me for doing clinics and inspections too. :)

a math question

Multiple choice
1 wagon + 3 small children + wearing rainboots + a walk = ?

a) over 100 pounds to pull
b) a decent photo op
c) a tired mom
d) all of the above

I'm sure you can guess the answer to this.

my goodness!

All of a sudden, things here are starting to really get a good groove.

Isaac was at a birthday party yesterday - his first that he was invited to as Isaac, not as our child, or as a sibling group...but was invited as him. I hope that makes sense, but it was a pretty big event. His little friend B was so happy to have him at her party. They are a cute pair of friends, they were in swimming and skating together, and will often hold hands together. Very sweet.

B's mom and I are working on a building a friendship too, which is good. She's really nice. M and I are starting to spend more time together, and my kids are good at keeping her little one amused. Soon K will be on mat leave with their second, and we're hooking up for playdates, as little K is a huge fan of my kids. Ran into K and K today at the grocery store (ya, I know, I don't like Sunday shopping, but when you are out of milk and diapers....) and K was all over hugging Norah.

As Spring is coming, I'm feeling more optimistic about our lives here. Which sounds so dramatic, but really, it's nice to have some things feel like they are turning around. I've got plans on the go for Isaac's birthday party, and a 'just because' party for later Spring. It's nice to think that our time here is feeling less lonely than it has been.

and because I'm such a geek....

My garage sale blog.

Yes, I really am that sad.

mixed feelings

Today, I went through all our baby clothes that aren't currently in use. Sorted out the 'donate' and 'yard sale' piles and moved them around our basement. Sigh. So bittersweet. Taking the sweet little outfits that our kids wore at 3, 6, 12, 18 months and sorting them into piles....it's just hard. Those pants, shirts, sweaters all carry a history with them. The newborn sized clothes received as gifts that fit the kids for about 15 minutes. A certain sleeper reminds me of walking Isaac around camp in the dark, praying he would sleep. A favourite pair of pants for church, paired with one of his beautiful sweaters. A blue sweater he wore all the time when Norah was a newborn, trying to remember just how small he was back then. The shirt he wore on his first day of preschool. A tiny pair of Mary Jane shoes on pre-walking baby feet, with a little blue dress. The dark pink dress worn to dad's ordination service. It's so funny how clothes can carry such emotional weight. I'm trying so hard not to be too sentimental about some of the stuff they wore.

It's so hard though. It's like letting some of their clothes go means letting some memories go too.

Attn: Mother Nature

RE: Spring

Dear Ms. Nature,

It has come to my attention that you may have not realized that Spring is starting. You may have not been paying close attention to the calendar this year, but Spring is officially starting and I would like to point out that Spring does indeed need to be sprung in my neck of the woods.

As I am currently sitting in the middle of a SNOWSTORM, with a strong wind blowing, cold temperatures and 3 inches of fresh snow on the ground in the last 4 hours, I would like to remind you that it is MARCH and I expect Spring like conditions to be arriving promptly. I am fully displeased by the reality of having snow on the ground since late on October 31, 2006 and that the white stuff is still falling outside my window. Actually, I assume it is still falling outside, I can't SEE much beyond our front window.

If Spring like weather does not arrive soon, I will be forced to take matters up with your supervisor.

sincerely,

Kristin

PS - yes, the snow does need to melt, but I would prefer it to happen slowly enough to prevent multiple basement floods in our area. thank you.

selling

I'm working on a large pile of things to sell off at a yard sale. I'm ready to move out a lot of baby stuff. Not all of it - because that would pretty much guarantee another pregnancy - but enough to make my laundry room have space in it again.

Anyone need anything? Baby clothes, some cloth diapers, toys...

Second on the right, and straight on till morning

Growing up, my dad often asked me to run away to Neverland with him. "let's never grow up" he'd say. In the wisdom of my childhood, I would roll my eyes and say "oh dad, I'm going to grow up and you know it". That statement was often coupled with my doing the oh-so-grown-up foot stamp. I found his request for me to stay the age I currently was to be so ridiculous. Of course I would grow up, of course I wasn't going to stay six (eight, ten, twelve, whatever) for ever, of course there was no such place as Neverland. Silly man.

Yet now I'm the grown up. With a son just on the verge of turning 5. That son just had his skating recital, where he and all the other little preschool boys were dressed as Peter Pan, the king of Neverland. The son who is excited about turning 5, about going to "fronch immersion" as he calls it, who talks about "when I'm a grown up man" and all the things he will do. Now I understand the desire to run away to the place where children don't grow up and there is always fun to be had.

I wonder what he'd say if I asked him to fly away to Neverland with me....

more on ends and means

Can I just say that seeing someone violate confidentiality in the name of a 'good story' is frustrating. Yes, a funny story is a funny story. There are stories that don't need to be shared though. :/ I don't *want* to hear stuff like that. It just feeds into the gossip junk that I'm trying to avoid - and not always successfully avoid either.

Maybe I should find the backbone to say something. sigh. Maybe I'd feel better about myself then too.

oh, and it's snowing again. bah.

get me a velour tracksuit...

because that's all I need to round out my new role as "soccer mom". I have the minivan, I carry the coffee mug, and as of tonight, I have the child in soccer.

Signed up the boy for the soccer season tonight. How fun! He's very excited. I just hope the snow melts soon, and the grass dries up, otherwise my clean hands loving little boy will be covered in icky, gooey mud. hee hee.

pms-ing and tense, yet laughing

I have heard so many things today that just made me laugh.

-Norah pulled a pair of gray track pants out of the laundry I was folding. Stuck it on her head and said "I'm an elephant with big floppy ears"
- As N drifted off to sleep today, she started talking about her rain boots and outside "I will make mud with the watering can and make mud and get dirty, dirty, dirty. That be fun"
- overheard at playgroup today "but mom, I'm not picking for nose for fun, I'm working here!"
- My friend B at playgroup's son R's reaction when he saw the leprechaun book for story time "hey that's daddy!" B turned to me and said "ah, it's a fetish thing" I just about wet my pants over that one.

Playgroup was crowded today. Very crowded. Must be another sign of Spring on the way in.

eh, jumped the gun

no, it is NOT warm enough yet for rainboots outside. Yes, it was above 0, but my feet were cold. Isaac was much smarter than his mom, and wore his winter boots. The girls and I had cold feet - especially Norah, who managed to sink hers into the mushy snow and get them stuck.

Had a nice evening. Had the ACW meeting tonight (women's church group thing), and it was much more pleasant than usual. Even more fun than that was my trip to the grocery store on the way there. I ran into 2 families I know, one is a woman I am working on a friendship with. We have a tentative date for walking next week with the kids. The other is a woman I see weekly, as her daughter and Isaac skate and swim together. She gave me the heads up on a birthday party invite coming Isaac's way. I would hope he gets invited to her party - they were holding hands for a good chunk of last week's skating class. :wink

Add in this morning's playdate out at C's place in the country, along with the very ready to give birth A and their girls. A fun phone call with someone who 'gets' a lot of my life too. It's been a very good day. Very nice.

do the ends always justify the means?

Well, do they? I don't think so.

Sometimes, decisions that seem like the right thing, aren't. Sometimes, it hurts to be on the wrong side of a bad decision that someone else made. Not that the decision hurt you, per se, but that knowing someone you liked, respected and cared for made such a decision is stinky.

Sometimes, the decision that makes sense isn't the most honorable, noble or ethical decision.

May I remember this when I make choices in the future. Not only do my decisions impact those around me, but my reputation and name as well. Lord, thank you for Your mercy to us, even when we mess up badly.

other things to be glad about

Despite spring on its way (we hope!), I'm having a bit of a blah day. So I thought I would list some things that made me happy this past week

- 3 pounds in one week!
- laughing over really silly things our kids said
- all 3 kids napping at the same time on Wednesday (i'm choosing to ignore the near 3 way meltdown at the tail end of our Lenten Lunch that brought about that nap...oh wait, I remembered)
- the blessing of a church member coming by with the unexpected gift of home-sewn spring coats for my kids (the girls match, it's so cute!)
- some great meals this week, all from new to me recipes
- good phone calls
- cranberry pomegranate martinis
- getting to play outside, it's been too long

i can see concrete! i can see concrete!

Spring is coming after all!

Today, we topped out at a marvelous +3C and full-on sunshine. The snow is starting to melt during the daytime. The mornings are so much brighter, instead of our dark days of winter 9:30 am sunrise, today I walked to the pool at 7:35 am as the sun rose. The days are also stretching out on the other end, we don't always shut our front blinds before supper. It's nice. And mood-brightening.

The large puddles forming in our local streets show promise as future huge lakes to be waded through in a pair of rainboots and splash pants. As long as this snow melts at a slow pace, we won't be under a few inches of water. There is actually bare concrete in front of our house. I'm so excited. I can't wait to pull our our new wagon and go walking with the kids.

Another side effect of the warming temperatures is that we finally have wet enough snow for a snowman. Well, sort of. It doesn't roll into balls quite well, but we can smoosh it into a big pile. So that's what we did today. Playing in the yard, we smooshed snow and got very, very wet. Nice.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

It would seem that my previous post has created some strong reactions. I have currently pulled it. In reading over the post in question, it would seem as though the actual target for my frustration was a little less than clear.

One thing that frustrates me to no end as a mother is the outside pressure to 'get away from your babies'. To wean early, to 'get that kid on a bottle and get your life back'.

Maybe not everyone out there knows, remembers, or cares that I have experience in a less than good nursing relationship. I had to wean my middle child unexpectedly, and rather abruptly and introduce formula. I walked that path, I know it. I still struggle with some of the guilt over that.

And when I had to go through that process, do you know what the main comment from people was in regards to weaning my baby? "Congratulations. Now you can get your life back". No matter HOW I was feeding my baby, I still had a 7 month old child, there was no life to get back. Regardless of how my child received nourishment, I was still there for her, was still holding her close and rocking her to sleep. I didn't understand the attitude about having a break for freedom. I still don't. I don't, and I've had my bad, dark days as a mom. I have no desire to leave my children at this age for a week long trip away, a night of 'partying' at the bar, or leaving a 10 week old overnight 2 hours drive away for a rock concert. I don't understand it at all. I can't understand it.

I truly believe that the best thing we can do for our children is to be attached to them, to show them love and support and care, particularly in the first year to 18 months of life. I believe that daddies play an extremely important role in caring for babies too. I believe that taking the time to lay a strong foundation of love, trust and care is key in maintaining a strong relationship down the road. I believe that this is part of how God wants us to parent. That is the standard I hope to achieve in my home. I choose to show God's love to those around me, and believe that my primary ministry is to the little people in my home who call me "mommy". If I cannot provide my best, and what I believe God's desire is for my best to be to them, how then can I show that to others? If my children don't believe that their father and I love and value them and their needs, how well will they be able to comprehend the unconditional love of God? I know I struggle daily and wrestle mightily with some of the choices that my earthly father made and how that impacts my view of God daily. A legacy I do not ever intend to pass on.

I don't judge others in my heart and write them off for making different choices than I do. I don't. I may judge the actions, but not the person. And yes, there is a huge difference. I may not understand those choices. I don't understand those choices being the mainstream, encouraged way to parent. Why is it applauded for parents to leave their toddlers for a week for a vacation? Why is it applauded for babies to be weaned on our schedule? Why do people tell me I'm 'crazy' for not being able to leave a nursling so I can go out for a night of drinking? (actual reference) Or to hear that I'm 'lame' for doing something so 'boring' as nursing (another conversation I've had). I know judgment, I've been on the receiving end of it. I face it almost daily. I don't understand another's choices because they aren't mine! I make lots of choices other people don't understand either. Heck, I have a green stand mixer - is that everyone's first colour choice? On the other hand, I've also been on the 'other side' of some of the choices I make, and I wouldn't say the grass is any greener.

Children aren't convenient - as witnessed by the number of times I have had to throw out plans for something I wanted to do to take care of a sick child, or had to leave an event earlier than I wanted to in order to make everyone have a successful trip. They just aren't. Children are a blessing, and need to be treated as such. I also know as a mom who is parenting with precious little support outside of my own home, that their father and I are the main people who will show Christ's love to them as they grow. That is a weight I do not take lightly.

In short (or long, as the case may be), I am frustrated that there is so little value placed on motherhood, on the short time our children are babies and need us, on the importance of being the primary person in a small person's life. Don't even get me started on the USA's 6 week maternity leave. The issues I wrestled with in my now pulled post were not about breastfeeding vs. bottlefeeding, it was the lack of support for mothering the way our hearts are led. I know the women I mentioned, and I know that they were encouraged to make the choices they made by their outside support, for reasons that make no sense to me. I may be making choices others can't understand, but I make the ones that God has put on my heart, and I strive to be faithful to His leading in my parenting. That is where I have been led. It is His standard for my life that I try to live up to.