this has been a long week

very long week. very long days. I'm not sleeping well. I think Ruby has food allergies/sensitivities. I'm tired. I started AF yesterday, and it's not great timing - I'm cranky and short tempered with the kids because I'm crampy and hormonal. Also, the end of our week got thrown off by the death of a parishoner. No dad's day off, extra time out of the house for him, our plans for next week thrown off. I really shouldn't complain, since my husband is alive and healthy...but I just wish I wasn't feeling so icky the week he needs me to be ok and NOT needy.

James - don't read this post!

Sorry, just a quick disclaimer to my only known male reader...if there are others out there, you probably don't want to read on either. :) This post is about girly things you probably don't want to know about.


C-sections suck reason #398 It really will limit your future underwear choices. While on vacation, I picked myself up some new and cute underwear. Including a couple of pairs of that boy cut style that is so popular. I like the lower cut in the back for those lower riding pants, but the lower cut in the front always seems to sit just along the incision line...and almost always irritates it. Grrr. I don't want to be stuck with the grannie panties forever!

And while we're on the girly subject, I hate nursing bras too. Why oh why can't someone make pretty, supportive and useful nursing bras? I know they exist, but they need to be in real sizes...not just for A, B or C cups. Come on designers, larger nursing breasts need luxury too! Just because breasts are being used for 'work' doesn't mean they shouldn't be able to dress up for 'play' either. I've been wearing nursing bras for over 4 years now, and I'm really wanting something red or hot pink or something NOT beige or white! Pretty undergarments make a girl feel good, even if she's not sharing them with the world.

happy 2nd birthday, my sunshine

Yes, she is covered in pizza. And the cake was wrong, thanks Co-op. But it was a lovely birthday.

on broken hearts

I'm feeling a little off today. Have been praying a lot. 2 families in particular. One family, young father is dealing with what looks like heart problems. So strange, I was just talking to his wife last night on the phone...and now I'm lifting them up in prayer. The other family, newborn (week old) baby is also dealing with complications from a heart murmur.

2 heart problems, 2 families worried. So hard to think about. How quickly things can change between a giggly phone call one evening, to a worried wife rushing to be with her husband at the hospital. A mom waiting expectantly for a new baby to arrive, to rushing that tiny newborn in for medical care. Life changes so quickly. Our plans aren't always ours to have. Life never quite works out the way we expect - there are curveballs all over the place. Some of those curveballs are amazing and breathtaking, others just knock the wind out of us.

So, I wait for updates, and I pray.

And I think. I think about how much I need to treasure each moment I have. With my husband, with my children, with my extended family. About how some moments break my heart, the good, the bad, the ugly - all can break my heart. We won't always be here, not like this, not like right now. Tomorrow, everything could change...or not. Not to sound like we need to live like every moment could be our last...but it could be. But we are always changing - especially children. The child that right now welcomes your hugs, may not do so tomorrow. The little hand that takes yours and leads you to the couch to read books may not reach for yours next week. The spouse that hugs you in the kitchen at breakfast may not walk in the door at suppertime as planned. The moments that suck right now...could become beautiful in time. Children grow. Life happens. Illness and death come. Enjoy the moments. They don't last.

September

Fall creeps in when you aren't looking. Mornings and evenings become cooler. Days become shorter. Forecasts hint at sub-zero temperatures to come. Yet the sunny days tease you with their warmth, but if you really look you can tell the sun is at a different angle, it's colour somewhat different. Summer sunshine is yellow and warm, fall brings a more orange tint to the atmosphere. And then the day arrives when you realise it's time to turn on the heat.

That day was yesterday. The house was so chilly last evening, even with my slippers and a sweater on. Fall is here, no matter what the calendar says. We even have a -1 predicted for next week. It would seem that I dragged out the winter things in perfect time.

Today is one of those days where I wish we had a fireplace. It's cold, damp and raining. Feels like a Vancouver January day. No coffee or tea or hot shower really shook the damp chill from me. I want to spend today wrapped up in a blanket, on the couch, absorbed in a good book while listening to Death Cab for Cutie.

you don't need to tell me that I'm fabulous

because I already know it!

Ha ha! Today, I *so* rocked. Rob hosted a deanery clergy day at our church, and I offered to prepare lunch for them. Now, granted it wasn't a large group, but still. It was wonderful! I served home made carrot ginger soup, fresh-out-of-the-oven whole wheat flax seed bread, along with veggies and cheese. Oh, and did I mention the 2 kinds of homemade muffins I had available as well? They were beyond thankful and appreciative. Made me feel great. Yay me.

It has just hit me that Nor's birthday is next Saturday. Where has that time gone? Seriously?

well...

It has come to my attention that I have effectively scared someone off of having children with some of my posts.

That is a shame, because said scared person would be missing out on so much. Yes, I often post about the rougher parts of my days, in case someone may want to read about my life and feel better about their own. However, let me touch on a few things that 'person X' would be missing out on:

- a morning wake up call from a small person with cold feet, who loves to climb on to your bed and give kisses to all
- a baby who saves their biggest smiles for their parents
- giggling over bowls of cereal at breakfast, just because
- dancing around the kitchen while emptying the dishwasher together
- going out for walks and getting to see the world through young eyes again
- being asked for extra cuddles at naptime "please don't go mom/dad, just 2 more minutes"
- getting to play video games with your child, may Ms. PacMan never die
- the sound of a young voice saying prayers with you at bedtime
- amazing questions about life, God, birds and directions
- a small hand reaching out to hold yours
- watching a pair of siblings discover the joy in being each other's friend
- the fun of trying not to laugh when your child does something inappropriate, yet hilarious
- having someone think you are the most wonderful person ever
- the excitement generated by hearing the words "is that your dad I see pulling into the driveway?"
- little feet running through your house
- kisses and hugs given freely
- checking in on sleeping children as you go to bed, they look so young and small in their beds, yet you know that these moments will last such a short time and before you know it, they will be grown

I wouldn't trade those things, and more, for anything. Besides, messes get cleaned up, temper tantrums are handled, boo boos heal...but children touch your heart in ways you never knew possible.

I would have such an empty life without them.

my day got better. was out at a registration night for activities in our town. had some good conversations. all was good, until Ruby managed to dump 2 liters of canola oil on my kitchen floor. D'oh!

and more big feelings

I just want to go back to bed today. I hate making the effort to get out. I hate trying and running into brick walls. I'm so ready to just give up. Seriously. This town is sucking my will to live, slowly suffocating me.

My morning:
take Isaac to preschool
after much preparing, and last minute nursing, take the girls grocery shopping
run home and drop off perishables
pick up Isaac from preschool (and ponder how much more I would get done if he was in a 3 hour class instead of 2)
take all 3 kids to playgroup....where I hit the wall of silence. I can't seem to engage anyone in conversation past "how old is your baby?" or "can you pass me the glue please". That's about all I get. I try, really I do. I even talked to a woman today who is practially my nieghbour, but got shut down pretty quickly. One mom there, who was with her 2 youngest of 4, said to me "I remember how hard it is getting out here with 3 little ones. I always felt like crying afterwards". my response? "yep, I feel like that a lot. 3 kids this age is very isolating" - said as I am almost in tears. "bye, see you next time" Well, that was promising, I think. At least she noticed I was there. I just hate this. I hate feeling like I'm not speaking the language here, like I cant' fit in no matter how hard I try.

I just want to leave. Move with the kids to a city. Seriously. I can't handle this isolation. I'm so freaking lonely. My kids don't really have friends either. Norah has a birthday in 2 weeks, and I can barely think of anyone I could invite to a party. I'm just sad. Sad.

big feelings

I'm having big feelings today. Can't really express myself well with words. hmmm

A wonderful, lovely woman from our smaller church is really ill. She has a fast growing tumor that is an agressive form of cancer. She has had surgery on it, but they can't get it all out. It's not looking good. Her and her husband are 2 of the nicest, most warm people we have ever met. They have been the most welcoming to us since we moved here. They have shown us and our children so much love. I just feel so helpless and sad. They are the backbone of our smaller parish, and I can't imagine what will happen.

Praying for miracle, but still preparing for God's will not to be mine. Just sad. Sad.

this is the funniest alcoholic beverage ad I've ever seen

soooo tired!

Ruby hasn't been sleeping well since we got home from vacation. The last few nights have been the worst. I don't know if some food is bugging her tummy, but she's gassy. Last night was also the start of a cold. She has been up every 45 minutes or so, and isn't sleeping well during the day. I am tired. If only I could nap during the day it would be easier...but I can't. I am also having trouble falling asleep at night, so I'm not getting much sleep at all. Makes it hard to keep things good around the house, and work with the kids too.

On the good news front, I have just become a moderator at GCM. Apparently, I must have something to offer there, and haven't been quite as invisible as I thought I was. Kind of exciting.

I have to get a bunch of stuff ready for Sunday school in the next few days. I have kind of been putting things off, but I can't anymore. I'm hoping I can get out this afternoon so I can get the supplies organized, and work on the bulletin board too. I think this is going to take more work than I was hoping to do...

saturday

Today, I feel the full effects of the fall down our front stairs. I am having huge back spasms. At the risk of sounding dramatic, they are unbearable. I'm hopped up on Advil and using the heating pad when I have a free minute. Isaac will be home later, which will be nice. House feels a little empty with him away. Making up some carrot ginger soup, hope it turns out well.

so...who is the klutz?

apparently, it's me.

spent yesterday baking up a bunch of rhubarb cake. It is very delicious. 4 cakes have been baked. Had fun with my girls, even though naps were short again. Icky day outside, rain falling. After supper, Rob couldn't remember if he left the garage door open, so I go to check for him.

And fall down our front stairs. Hard landing. These steps are, like a Bon Jovi album, slippery when wet. ouch. After I have a good cry about it, and walk around our kitchen muttering under our breath about 'stupid rectory...dumb cedar boards hiding out as steps...stupid town...hate this place...want a hottub...can't move my hand properly...what if I had a kid in my arms...dumb stairs...' and so on, I manage to breathe again. I'm bruised across my back and left hand, and really stiff too. ouch...I should really be more careful.

another not so great sleep with Ruby. Her top teeth have (finally) broken though, so I hope that will help tonight. Norah was up an hour ahead of her usual time this morning, and that girl has *NO* inside voice, so I begged Rob to get up with her. She wanted to cuddle in our bed, but I really couldn't handle her waking Ruby up, since she had only *just* fallen back to sleep. Then I promptly fell back asleep until 8:45 and woke up to Rob making hash browns, ham and eggs. Coffee was brewed (I must have been tired to sleep through the coffee grinder). Woo hoo! Well, not the eggs part. The house was cold this morning. Apparently, it got down to 1.1 last night - oh my.

Rob, the girls and I went 'to town' today. Ran some errands, and chatted to a couple of the people we know who are in the farmers market. I bought a necklace and we were given a nice jar of jam. Got home in time to put the girls down for naps. Then M came by for a surprise visit. M is one of my only friends in town, although she won't be living here that much longer. She is due with a baby in early November, and will be moving to the city where her boyfriend (not a fan of that word once we're past 30) lives. We spent most of the afternoon together, and went out for a bit with Ruby. Then I went over to D and N's house tonight for veggies from the garden and tea. Nice. A very social day for me, and since it was Rob's day off, he didn't have to be that social. Good recharging for us both.

Now Ruby is asleep, Norah is too. We're hoping to watch a movie...but only after I get this next batch of rhubarb cake in!