it's my birthday

Rob and I had a date last night! First *real* date in a long, long time. I got dressed up - well, so did he - and we went out for a lovely dinner at a real restaurant, with a wine list and menus that aren't posted on the walls. Then we went a browsed in a bookstore. Lovely. Just lovely. The kids did great at my mom's place, and 2 out of 3 were sleeping when we got back.

We got home today after being at my mom's place since Wednesday. The last few days were jam-packed with shopping and activity. We had a good chunk of Christmas money to spend, and spend we did. Got some great things that the kids needed, that I wanted, and a few random things for the house. I got ice skates, and I can't wait to try them out with Isaac in the next few days. It's been a LONG time since I've skated though. This could be interesting. Although, my new skates would give my much more 'street cred' than my old white figure skates back in the day when Tracy and I used to play hockey with the boys in the neighbourhood on Friday nights back in Montreal. Ahh yes, life back in the land of outdoor skating rinks.

Norah was super cranky today. The lunch time fast food stop with a playplace too 'grown up' for her didn't help. Turns out, she's feverish. Fun. Another 'fun road story' from today - I don't think I will take Rob's word on the gas levels in my van again. I was sure we were short on gas, but he kept insisting we would be fine. At 25 kms outside of Battleford, the gas light came on. And if you have ever driven the #16...you know there isn't anything between 25 kms out of Battleford and Battleford itself. I was in minor panic mode, imagining being stuck on the side of the highway, while Rob was going to get us gas. Oh, and did I forget to mention he forgot to charge his cell phone too? So we could have been at the mercy of some strangers on the highway. Ya, fun. Next road trip, I override Rob's gas predictions. ;)

nag, nag, nag

where are everyone's Christmas updates? nudge, nudge....

for the record, the kids blog has our updates and some photos.

yeeeessss....

all the Christmas cards are in the mail, the gifts are out (Mo - I hope your girls stuff arrives before the big day, I had to wait for a package from the US to arrive before I mailed. oh I hope!) The baking is done. All I need to do is wrap gifts for Rob and the kids. And I really think that's it!

Christmas can now come, December does not need a pause button.

supposed to be

I'm supposed to be a Judy's funeral right now. The older two are supposed to be at the daycare drop in spot. We're not. Instead, we had a picnic lunch on the kitchen floor.

a snowstorm blew in today. It's mild, but lots of snow and bad highway conditions. Rob and I made the executive decision that I was going to stay home with the kids. Just as well, Ruby is very snotty in the nose. I don't want to attempt the roads if I don't have to, and I'm not too thrilled with Rob being on them either. But hey, it's not like he has a choice. Oh, and he's sick now too. He was feverish last night, and is stuffy headed and sore throated. Just like I had a couple of weeks ago. Poor guy.

The temps are mild today though, so I'm hoping for some good outdoor time this afternoon after naps. I need a shower though, and to run some laundry. We may end up with dinner guests, and possibly overnight guests depending on the roads this afternoon.

I'm excited though, we are going to have guests in January. There is much irony in who the guests are, given the time of year, it is US who should be going to THEM. hee hee.

sad

We are in Saskatoon. Last minute thing. Rob got a call yesterday during lunch that J, a parishoner that we really really love had been admitted to hospital for the last time in S'toon. She has been battling with a massive and rapidly growing brain tumor since September. Rob saw her in our town Saturday, when she was in our hospital for a blood transfusion. Anyhow her husband called yesterday, and Rob asked about coming down, H said that he didn't want Rob to put himself out.

However, this is H and J. He was going to put himself out. We made the decision for us all to go - so that I wasn't home with the kids, and we could be a distraction on the road and have a fun trip out of what wasn't going to be a fun trip.

We're so thankful we left when we did. Rob managed to get to the hospital by 8 and stay for a little while. H was so thankful that he was there, and was suprised too. They were waiting for their last son to arrive, somewhere between 9 and 10 pm. H phoned us back just after 11, and J had died, peacefully, with her whole family (except the 2 littlest grandchildren) present. Rob went back to the hospital to say prayers and spend time with the family.

Sigh. I can't imagine H without J. I loved her so much, she was one of my favourite people in our smaller church. She and H made us feel so welcomed and loved. I'm so thankful things moved quickly in these last couple of weeks, for everyone's sake, and that she wasn't suffering long. This will be a sad Christmas for her family though, she was a very special lady, mother and grandmother.

I'm stupidly tired

I'm so, so tired. Sleep has been minimal around here. I've messed up my days, missed a birthday or 2, and almost forgot the Christmas party the kids were going to on Thursday. Ruby is teething. Big time. And it's 'more' than either of her siblings ever threw at us. And she isn't sleeping well. And it's currently 12:07 am...and she has just pooped for the 4th time tonight. roll eyes. Ruby and Norah have colds. The snot flows like the poop.

Mom is here, and goes home tomorrow. I have baked 20 dozen chocolate cookies for various events. I have done so much to prepare for next Saturday's open house already, and there is more to do. I'm tired though. I have the rehearsal for the Christmas pagent on Sunday, and that is stressing me out.

On the bright side, Rob and I had the closest thing to a date since August 2005. We went out to the pastor's Christmas party in town tonight. ALONE. Not with a single child. Woo hoo. That was wonderful. We need to do that again soon.

I've got a whole pile of Christmas thoughts milling about in my head. Have been trying to sort through them. Have put off blogging about them.

Got outside today, it warmed up to -15C (3F) without a wind chill for the first time in a week!

my sweet munchkins

It's a picture of a picture, so the quality isn't perfect....but aren't they just adorable?

the height (or depths) of laziness

we drove the kids to the pool for swimming lessons today. In our defense, it had to be done. Despite it taking longer than walking, we had to do it. It was -25C with a wind chill of -36. No WAY were we walking the 1.5 blocks in that. Uh-huh. I was so grateful for my remote starting van.

Winter has slammed into us here. I can tell when Rob opens the door to the garage downstairs. Not because of the sound the door makes, but by the cold air that rushes up the stairs and dances around my feet. I hate our front door being open, for even a fraction of a second, because it lets in cold air. We are running space heaters in Isaac and Norah's rooms to keep them warmer at night. Our room is plenty warm, in the big bed, but the kids rooms are chilly. The sun sets too early and is rising too late. There is something odd about waking up at 8 am and thinking it's only 5.

With Christmas coming, all I can think about for gifts for the adults in our home are warm things - like more long underwear, slippers, jackets and toques. The kids get toys, but we get sexy woolens!

Now really, I don't mind winter. Overall, it's not the worst thing that could happen to us. Our house is warm enough, we have slippers (when I can convince the kids to actually not go barefoot!) and sweaters, I can always make coffee (*grin*). It just makes me realise just how house bound we can be from time to time.

Also makes me miss friends who can come over and play. Anyone feel like a board game and some yummy (from the oven, of course!) snacks?

Baby shower

Despite being as sick as I am, I managed to make a short appearance at the baby shower for Isabell. I managed to actually make a gift for it - a diaper cake! Lots of fun to do.


Oh, and it's snowing again....up to 6 inches today. I'm glad Rob got milk yesterday and we don't have to go anywhere.

well, lucky us

Guess who lives in the town that is currently the cold spot in the province? Yep. Lucky us.

Then again, we could still be in Vancouver, boiling our water day after day. Yikes. I'll take the cold thanks.

blah

I'm under the weather. My head hurts, I'm sensitive to light and noise, and I've pretty much lost my voice. If I try to talk too much, I wheeze and cough. It's yucky. My kids are watching tv right now, and have been for too long. I'm just too tired to do anything else with them. Which is a bummer, it's just above freezing right now and sunny out. I just want to go to bed, or lie on the couch and whine.

J (my new friend) called today to try to get together, but I just can't handle going out. I hate being sick. But she called (she likes me, she likes me!). I hope I feel better tomorrow, so I can go to M's baby shower for Isabell.

cross post from GCM

This week has been very busy, both girls have a tummy bug or something. I had this great ah-ha moment on Wednesday night that I wanted to share here though. My oldest is in ice skating lessons on Wednesday evenings. He was excited, but really unsure on the ice. A lot of "help me, help, help" and wanting to be held up and assisted on the ice. I was frustrated holding him up, I just wanted him to skate already. I didn't want to hold him up, he was making *me* wobbly on the ice. I just would tell him to stand up, you can do it. "help help, I can't". He had 2 big falls one night 3 weeks ago, where he actually was bleeding from his nose and mouth (bit his lip). I was so worried that skating was not going to work out, that we had wasted our money, that he was never going to skate. And then last night happened. I was tired, he was tired. I was sure we were going to have a bad night. I was wrong. He stepped out on the ice and WENT. Just started doing everything right. He wasn't fully skating, but he was 'marching', like the coaches told them to. He was stopping and turning, he was hokey pokey-ing, he was stretching and even jumping a bit. He was standing up after falling down. Without me. He wanted me there, but just to be there, not to help him. He was doing it. Even the coaches were saying "what happened with him? where did this confidence come from?" And then it hit me. I know where that confidence came from. I've seen it before. When my oldest was little, he needed my help, he needed me...all the time. I carried him around, nursed him on cue, coslept...I was there when he needed me to be. I had people tell me that he would never get out of my bed, never wean, never sleep through the night, never walk on his own. And one day, he did do all those things. On his timeframe. When he was ready. Just like the skating. When he was ready to step out on the ice without me, he did. He needed to know that I was there to literally pick him up when he couldn't. Which I did - until he was ready to do it by himself. When he didn't need me to do it. Later that night, DH and I were talking about it. About how much that experience reminded us of how he transformed from clingy and needy little baby to independant and confident toddler and preschooler. How meeting his needs then may have been hard, but worth the payoff. Just like meeting his needs on the ice was hard - ever sat on ice in jeans while holding a crying child? There are many ways that is no fun. Yet, last night, I got to watch him take off over the ice, on his own, confident and capable. I was proud of him and for him.

more random thoughts

-I'm cold. taking the kids out in the snow (pics on their blog) didn't help. I just can't get warm today

-I hate teaching Sunday school. It's NOT my gift. Or at least, it doesn't feel like my gift when I'm strugging with my own kids while trying to teach. blah.

-I have no motivation to do a meal plan right now. And it's showing as I hit 5 pm and think, hmmm, what should we eat. The old McGyver school of cooking (just some chewing gum and duct tape...)

-I'm drinking way too much coffee these days. But that isn't always a bad thing.

note this day

Today, something strange happened. It was around 1:30 pm. Both girls were napping, Rob and Isaac were still not home. It was just me. There was nothing to do! The kitchen was clean, even the floor mopped within 24 hours. The laundry was as caught up as it could be, with a load in each of the washer and dryer. The recently dried laundry was folded AND put away. The rooms were all tidy. The bathrooms were clean. There was nothing to do.

Short of taking on a 'project', I had nothing to do. It was lovely. For the whole hour it lasted, until Rob and Isaac got home.

a summary of the last few days

fresh snow, cold temps
Rob in the city, gone overnight, work related, took Isaac, staying at my mom's
big snow in city, they are staying an extra night
girls and I having fun
I lost the garage door opener, and Norah's mittens today
I may have a playdate tomorrow. that's a whole other post
note to self - don't leave potatoes in van in sub zero temperatures, and if you do, don't bring them into the house to thaw. Just don't.

New look

So, what do you think?

www.rebwebdesign.com

Thanks Rebecca! You rock!!

blah

It's cold and snowy today. I'm so draggy and blah. Couldn't get to aquafit this am, since Ruby wasn't being cooperative. I don't feel like playing with the kids.

I blame the halloween candy.

I have a one year old!

It is beyond shocking to me that Ruby is already a year old (as of Wednesday, for those out of the loop). This year has been really odd, some of the longest days of my life, yet the shortest year I have ever lived. Strange. Yet, she has reached the year milestone, and is growing up despite my wishes to keep her as the tiny baby I held in my arms a year ago.

There are some very crystal clear moments that I can recall from her birth and early days. The not-so-good c-section, the c-section that made me sense my own mortality. Kicking nurses out of my room, so I could have the rest they said I should be getting. The way she cried so much that first night. How loopy my post-op drugged conversation was. The strange paradox of joy over my new baby and grief for my Grandmother's death the day before. Holding her tiny, warm body, next to mine and just breathing the scent of her. The top of her head still smells a bit like that to me, even now. The softness of her cheeks and tiny toes.

Now she speeds about the house on hands and knees. Climbs everything she can while letting out squeals of joy at reaching each peak. Screeches at her siblings if they happen to cross her. She has figured out how to bait her sister, and gleefully teases her. The excitement she expresses when we open the front door or basement gate - as though she longs for adventure outside the confines of our small home. I have a sense that she will break my heart in ways I've never been prepared for. I sense adventure and boldness in her, a longing for new and exciting things, for venturing beyond. Despite her young age, there is such stregnth and determination in her.

"Where has this thing you call cake and whipped cream been all my life? I must have more!"











I wish I could see the future to know what is in store for her, for us. Instead, I prepare myself for bed, to snuggle up to my (still co-sleeping) cuddly little one. The baby that loves to cuddle close, despite her longing for new and exciting things.

She will still be my tiny baby for some time. I cherish the moments, all of them. As her name says, she is a precious thing.

Adult trick or treat!

woo hoo! I got the ultimate trick or treat yesterday. My mom and my FIL came up to stay for 2 days, FIL was in the city and they are up for Ruby's birthday. After a few hints at her lack of skill with a certain toy, mom brought it up for me to keep. Her espresso machine! Now I can make lattes again at will. How fun for Rob and I. I *so* miss my broken espresso machine in the basement, so this is SUCH a treat. Now to figure out where to store it....

new baby!

calm down, not MINE! My friend in town, Melissa, had a baby girl on Saturday night, Isabell. I went over to see them today, and got to hold the tiny newborn. Her head was so small, and her bum fit perfectly in the palm of my hand, as she lay swaddled in my arms.

And you know what? I didn't even feel the tiniest twinge, nothing, no pull for a new baby of my own. At all. I think it's further confirmation that we could very well be done. She was adorable, if smaller than any of my kids - by over a pound. My uterus didn't skip a beat at all.


Hardly.

A successful playdate! A and O came over today to play with us. Well, technically O came to play, A came to drink coffee with me. Isaac was at preschool, so it was just the girls. O is between both girls in age, so we had fun. I really enjoyed the visit with A. It was really nice to know that we have both had the same cold reaction from some of the moms here in town. Not that I wish that on anyone, but I'm glad it's not just me. *wipes brow* Hopefully today's visit will be repeated soon. A liked my coffee, so it's promising. ;)

Need to make Isaac's Halloween costume. I've never cut up a sheet before, and it sounds like an easy thing to make a ghost, but it's stressing me out. Norah has a fairy/princess costume that is too big for her, so should work for stuffing about 8 layers of clothing underneath. Ruby gets to have a turn being dressed as a dalmatian puppy, as both of her siblings did. As a kid who grew up complaining that "you can't tell what I am dressed as with my winter jacket overtop", I am very conscious of making costume choices that fit over winter gear. Somewhere there is a photo of me, around age 6, wearing an angel costume with a glitter mask...and a green parka. Nice.

it's Wednesday

We had a lovely visit with G and M. Miss them already. Time with good friends goes so fast. sigh. Lots of laughs, good talks, fun times...and we put G to work and changed a bunch of our light fixtures. Bye bye flourescent killers in the playroom! we are so thankful for a friend with electrical abilities.

After they left yesterday, I took Ruby and headed out to the town's wellness fair. I had a total light bulb moment there, while talking to one of the local health nurses. I was sharing about our issues with Ruby and poop, or lack thereof. She dropped a potential cause in my lap that just blew me away. How I didn't think of this earlier....well, I just feel like the puzzle pieces fell into place. I'll update after we get her in for some testing next week. But, if *this* is it...wow.

Took Isaac to skating tonight. Did not go well. He's getting a touch more confidence on the ice, but he took two big face-first falls. The first one involved smacking his face on the ice - wish we had a bigger helmet. I sat with him on the ice for a few minutes - my rear end is still cold! The second one, well, let's just say bleeding was going on. Both his nose and his mouth. He bit the inside of his lip. It was ugly. I was sad and really ticked that the coaches didn't really notice or seem to care. I picked him up and took him off the ice, while he was sobbing. Poor little guy. I'm hoping it doesn't bruise too badly though.

I'm off to bed now. I'm cold, and tired, and we have a playdate in the morning! woo hoo!

Baptism pics...

are on the kids blog.

We're busy, busy with our visiting guests, and having a blast...will update again soon. :)

upcoming...

Ruby's baptism is next Sunday. G&M, her godparents, are coming out. YAY! Fun!! Then Rob's dad is going to be here for 2 days at the end of the month too, just in time for Roo's birthday. More fun!

Rob wants to get a cake for the baptism. After the Co-op cake fiasco for Norah's birthday, I told him HE could go order it. Funny though, getting a cake for her that she can't even eat.

Isaac wants to be a ghost for hallowe'en. Despite my nudging towards being a firefighter - which we have a costume for, no less. Nope, ghost. Rob pointed out to me that it would make his (constantly repeated) ghost knock-knock joke accurate. The man may be on to something...

It's cold!

Seriously cold. Woke up this morning to -9, with a wind chill of -16. Oh my. AND it would be the day I chose to start aquafit. With the pool being so close, I don't feel right about driving, so I walked. It was cold.

Got home and we had breakfast. Rob asked if I was doing groceries with the kids today. I am. Asked if I could get some more cereal. I asked what he wanted. He said adult cereal. So, what would that be....porn flakes? lol

Winter is coming, and quick. Although today feels freezing cold, a day with these temps in January will have us remarking "what a lovely morning".

and back yet again

Home from clergy retreat and mom/kids retreat!

Know what makes a rainy day drive nicer? 2 sleeping kids, one chatting to himself, and a nice hot cup of coffee with a pumpkin spice donut.

this has been a long week

very long week. very long days. I'm not sleeping well. I think Ruby has food allergies/sensitivities. I'm tired. I started AF yesterday, and it's not great timing - I'm cranky and short tempered with the kids because I'm crampy and hormonal. Also, the end of our week got thrown off by the death of a parishoner. No dad's day off, extra time out of the house for him, our plans for next week thrown off. I really shouldn't complain, since my husband is alive and healthy...but I just wish I wasn't feeling so icky the week he needs me to be ok and NOT needy.

James - don't read this post!

Sorry, just a quick disclaimer to my only known male reader...if there are others out there, you probably don't want to read on either. :) This post is about girly things you probably don't want to know about.


C-sections suck reason #398 It really will limit your future underwear choices. While on vacation, I picked myself up some new and cute underwear. Including a couple of pairs of that boy cut style that is so popular. I like the lower cut in the back for those lower riding pants, but the lower cut in the front always seems to sit just along the incision line...and almost always irritates it. Grrr. I don't want to be stuck with the grannie panties forever!

And while we're on the girly subject, I hate nursing bras too. Why oh why can't someone make pretty, supportive and useful nursing bras? I know they exist, but they need to be in real sizes...not just for A, B or C cups. Come on designers, larger nursing breasts need luxury too! Just because breasts are being used for 'work' doesn't mean they shouldn't be able to dress up for 'play' either. I've been wearing nursing bras for over 4 years now, and I'm really wanting something red or hot pink or something NOT beige or white! Pretty undergarments make a girl feel good, even if she's not sharing them with the world.

happy 2nd birthday, my sunshine

Yes, she is covered in pizza. And the cake was wrong, thanks Co-op. But it was a lovely birthday.

on broken hearts

I'm feeling a little off today. Have been praying a lot. 2 families in particular. One family, young father is dealing with what looks like heart problems. So strange, I was just talking to his wife last night on the phone...and now I'm lifting them up in prayer. The other family, newborn (week old) baby is also dealing with complications from a heart murmur.

2 heart problems, 2 families worried. So hard to think about. How quickly things can change between a giggly phone call one evening, to a worried wife rushing to be with her husband at the hospital. A mom waiting expectantly for a new baby to arrive, to rushing that tiny newborn in for medical care. Life changes so quickly. Our plans aren't always ours to have. Life never quite works out the way we expect - there are curveballs all over the place. Some of those curveballs are amazing and breathtaking, others just knock the wind out of us.

So, I wait for updates, and I pray.

And I think. I think about how much I need to treasure each moment I have. With my husband, with my children, with my extended family. About how some moments break my heart, the good, the bad, the ugly - all can break my heart. We won't always be here, not like this, not like right now. Tomorrow, everything could change...or not. Not to sound like we need to live like every moment could be our last...but it could be. But we are always changing - especially children. The child that right now welcomes your hugs, may not do so tomorrow. The little hand that takes yours and leads you to the couch to read books may not reach for yours next week. The spouse that hugs you in the kitchen at breakfast may not walk in the door at suppertime as planned. The moments that suck right now...could become beautiful in time. Children grow. Life happens. Illness and death come. Enjoy the moments. They don't last.

September

Fall creeps in when you aren't looking. Mornings and evenings become cooler. Days become shorter. Forecasts hint at sub-zero temperatures to come. Yet the sunny days tease you with their warmth, but if you really look you can tell the sun is at a different angle, it's colour somewhat different. Summer sunshine is yellow and warm, fall brings a more orange tint to the atmosphere. And then the day arrives when you realise it's time to turn on the heat.

That day was yesterday. The house was so chilly last evening, even with my slippers and a sweater on. Fall is here, no matter what the calendar says. We even have a -1 predicted for next week. It would seem that I dragged out the winter things in perfect time.

Today is one of those days where I wish we had a fireplace. It's cold, damp and raining. Feels like a Vancouver January day. No coffee or tea or hot shower really shook the damp chill from me. I want to spend today wrapped up in a blanket, on the couch, absorbed in a good book while listening to Death Cab for Cutie.

you don't need to tell me that I'm fabulous

because I already know it!

Ha ha! Today, I *so* rocked. Rob hosted a deanery clergy day at our church, and I offered to prepare lunch for them. Now, granted it wasn't a large group, but still. It was wonderful! I served home made carrot ginger soup, fresh-out-of-the-oven whole wheat flax seed bread, along with veggies and cheese. Oh, and did I mention the 2 kinds of homemade muffins I had available as well? They were beyond thankful and appreciative. Made me feel great. Yay me.

It has just hit me that Nor's birthday is next Saturday. Where has that time gone? Seriously?

well...

It has come to my attention that I have effectively scared someone off of having children with some of my posts.

That is a shame, because said scared person would be missing out on so much. Yes, I often post about the rougher parts of my days, in case someone may want to read about my life and feel better about their own. However, let me touch on a few things that 'person X' would be missing out on:

- a morning wake up call from a small person with cold feet, who loves to climb on to your bed and give kisses to all
- a baby who saves their biggest smiles for their parents
- giggling over bowls of cereal at breakfast, just because
- dancing around the kitchen while emptying the dishwasher together
- going out for walks and getting to see the world through young eyes again
- being asked for extra cuddles at naptime "please don't go mom/dad, just 2 more minutes"
- getting to play video games with your child, may Ms. PacMan never die
- the sound of a young voice saying prayers with you at bedtime
- amazing questions about life, God, birds and directions
- a small hand reaching out to hold yours
- watching a pair of siblings discover the joy in being each other's friend
- the fun of trying not to laugh when your child does something inappropriate, yet hilarious
- having someone think you are the most wonderful person ever
- the excitement generated by hearing the words "is that your dad I see pulling into the driveway?"
- little feet running through your house
- kisses and hugs given freely
- checking in on sleeping children as you go to bed, they look so young and small in their beds, yet you know that these moments will last such a short time and before you know it, they will be grown

I wouldn't trade those things, and more, for anything. Besides, messes get cleaned up, temper tantrums are handled, boo boos heal...but children touch your heart in ways you never knew possible.

I would have such an empty life without them.

my day got better. was out at a registration night for activities in our town. had some good conversations. all was good, until Ruby managed to dump 2 liters of canola oil on my kitchen floor. D'oh!

and more big feelings

I just want to go back to bed today. I hate making the effort to get out. I hate trying and running into brick walls. I'm so ready to just give up. Seriously. This town is sucking my will to live, slowly suffocating me.

My morning:
take Isaac to preschool
after much preparing, and last minute nursing, take the girls grocery shopping
run home and drop off perishables
pick up Isaac from preschool (and ponder how much more I would get done if he was in a 3 hour class instead of 2)
take all 3 kids to playgroup....where I hit the wall of silence. I can't seem to engage anyone in conversation past "how old is your baby?" or "can you pass me the glue please". That's about all I get. I try, really I do. I even talked to a woman today who is practially my nieghbour, but got shut down pretty quickly. One mom there, who was with her 2 youngest of 4, said to me "I remember how hard it is getting out here with 3 little ones. I always felt like crying afterwards". my response? "yep, I feel like that a lot. 3 kids this age is very isolating" - said as I am almost in tears. "bye, see you next time" Well, that was promising, I think. At least she noticed I was there. I just hate this. I hate feeling like I'm not speaking the language here, like I cant' fit in no matter how hard I try.

I just want to leave. Move with the kids to a city. Seriously. I can't handle this isolation. I'm so freaking lonely. My kids don't really have friends either. Norah has a birthday in 2 weeks, and I can barely think of anyone I could invite to a party. I'm just sad. Sad.

big feelings

I'm having big feelings today. Can't really express myself well with words. hmmm

A wonderful, lovely woman from our smaller church is really ill. She has a fast growing tumor that is an agressive form of cancer. She has had surgery on it, but they can't get it all out. It's not looking good. Her and her husband are 2 of the nicest, most warm people we have ever met. They have been the most welcoming to us since we moved here. They have shown us and our children so much love. I just feel so helpless and sad. They are the backbone of our smaller parish, and I can't imagine what will happen.

Praying for miracle, but still preparing for God's will not to be mine. Just sad. Sad.

this is the funniest alcoholic beverage ad I've ever seen

soooo tired!

Ruby hasn't been sleeping well since we got home from vacation. The last few nights have been the worst. I don't know if some food is bugging her tummy, but she's gassy. Last night was also the start of a cold. She has been up every 45 minutes or so, and isn't sleeping well during the day. I am tired. If only I could nap during the day it would be easier...but I can't. I am also having trouble falling asleep at night, so I'm not getting much sleep at all. Makes it hard to keep things good around the house, and work with the kids too.

On the good news front, I have just become a moderator at GCM. Apparently, I must have something to offer there, and haven't been quite as invisible as I thought I was. Kind of exciting.

I have to get a bunch of stuff ready for Sunday school in the next few days. I have kind of been putting things off, but I can't anymore. I'm hoping I can get out this afternoon so I can get the supplies organized, and work on the bulletin board too. I think this is going to take more work than I was hoping to do...

saturday

Today, I feel the full effects of the fall down our front stairs. I am having huge back spasms. At the risk of sounding dramatic, they are unbearable. I'm hopped up on Advil and using the heating pad when I have a free minute. Isaac will be home later, which will be nice. House feels a little empty with him away. Making up some carrot ginger soup, hope it turns out well.

so...who is the klutz?

apparently, it's me.

spent yesterday baking up a bunch of rhubarb cake. It is very delicious. 4 cakes have been baked. Had fun with my girls, even though naps were short again. Icky day outside, rain falling. After supper, Rob couldn't remember if he left the garage door open, so I go to check for him.

And fall down our front stairs. Hard landing. These steps are, like a Bon Jovi album, slippery when wet. ouch. After I have a good cry about it, and walk around our kitchen muttering under our breath about 'stupid rectory...dumb cedar boards hiding out as steps...stupid town...hate this place...want a hottub...can't move my hand properly...what if I had a kid in my arms...dumb stairs...' and so on, I manage to breathe again. I'm bruised across my back and left hand, and really stiff too. ouch...I should really be more careful.

another not so great sleep with Ruby. Her top teeth have (finally) broken though, so I hope that will help tonight. Norah was up an hour ahead of her usual time this morning, and that girl has *NO* inside voice, so I begged Rob to get up with her. She wanted to cuddle in our bed, but I really couldn't handle her waking Ruby up, since she had only *just* fallen back to sleep. Then I promptly fell back asleep until 8:45 and woke up to Rob making hash browns, ham and eggs. Coffee was brewed (I must have been tired to sleep through the coffee grinder). Woo hoo! Well, not the eggs part. The house was cold this morning. Apparently, it got down to 1.1 last night - oh my.

Rob, the girls and I went 'to town' today. Ran some errands, and chatted to a couple of the people we know who are in the farmers market. I bought a necklace and we were given a nice jar of jam. Got home in time to put the girls down for naps. Then M came by for a surprise visit. M is one of my only friends in town, although she won't be living here that much longer. She is due with a baby in early November, and will be moving to the city where her boyfriend (not a fan of that word once we're past 30) lives. We spent most of the afternoon together, and went out for a bit with Ruby. Then I went over to D and N's house tonight for veggies from the garden and tea. Nice. A very social day for me, and since it was Rob's day off, he didn't have to be that social. Good recharging for us both.

Now Ruby is asleep, Norah is too. We're hoping to watch a movie...but only after I get this next batch of rhubarb cake in!

fyi

I posted pics of the girls new room stuff on the kids blog. It's still a work in progress, but it's looking more like their room.

busy as a bee

Apparently, only having 2 kids in the house allows me to be very busy. Ruby is dealing with some tummy issues that we are still figuring out, and I had very little sleep, yet still managed to:

-get both girls and myself looking nice this morning (that included a shower for me!)
-go to the hardware and stationery store for some odds and ends
-make lunch, including a double batch of my weight watchers veggie soup
-clean Isaac's room, almost completely - couldn't run the vaccum because Norah was napping, and hung his name painting
-fold and put away 2 loads of laundry
-make labels for new organizing baskets in bathroom and girls room (but they didn't stick well, need to get that label maker after all)
-go out for walk with both girls, including a trip to the grocery store for some odds and ends
-made a double batch of pasta sauce from scratch, including peeling the skins from the tomatoes (and it's really, really nice - fresh tomatoes make all the difference)
-made a rhubarb crisp for dessert
-made supper
-hung Norah's new lamp, which included drilling the holes with the drill.

That's it for now. However, I'm hoping to get started on slicing up rhubarb for some rhubarb cake. This is the time of year where people bring us garden produce, and we are currently loaded up on cucumbers, carrots, rhubarb and green beans. We ate the potatoes that were dropped of yesterday, I bbq'ed them in foil with butter and seasoning. yum. Then I'm planning to make a bunch of carrot ginger soup with all the fresh carrots. Those are tomorrow's projects. I feel like such a farm wife, 'putting up' my produce for the winter.

one gone

Isaac has left the building. He is at my mom's. She decided (mainly because he kept talking about it) to take him to her place for a couple of days. Fun for him. Break for me. He is driving my crazy. Probably because he has become the king of the "why".
Me - "Isaac, wash your hands before dinner"
I - "why"
me - "so your hands will be clean when you eat"
I - "why"
me - "so you won't get sick from the germs that are on your hands after playing outside"
I - "why"
and so on, until he just does what I have asked him to...or until I yell "because I'm the mommy, that's why"

Ok, so I don't say that every time. But I have said it. Because, really, why else should he stop making annoying noise/telling knock knock jokes without a punchline/jumping on his bed/dancing wildly in the shower/pushing his sister too hard on the swing...insert any other behaviour here. Sometimes he just has to do stuff because *I* say so. Stinks to be a kid.

I miss him already.

working, working

I'm just wiped out. My mom arrived yesterday, and I have been taking advantage of the extra pair of hands to do some organizing. Got the girls' room almost complete, will post before and after pics soon. Only issue there was that the slipcover I bought for their (dark green) armchair at IKEA doesn't fit. They changed the seat size. bummer. But it looks good anyhow. Thanks to Tammi for helping me pick the bed linens. :)

Hung pictures, and other decorative stuff. Tidied out under our bathroom and kitchen sink. Went for a big grocery shop, which was frustrating because of this town's lack of service. Ran stuff up and down the stairs. Cooked some meals, made some bread, nursed a baby, played in the yard, blew bubbles. You know, the usual.

Mom is here until tomorrow (unless I convince her I need to get more done...), so I'm using up as much of my time as I can getting things done. As Randy Bachman would say, taking care of business. ;)

the view from the van as we headed into Jasper park

We really didn't take enough photos on this trip. However, I did stop the van to take this shot of Mt. Robson, just before it started raining on us. I wish I had taken pics as we drove through Jasper park on the way west, it was so beautiful and we drove through as the sun was coming up over the mountains. The problem with stopping the van was that each time we stopped, we had a chorus of "I want out" from the older 2 kids.
We did get to see some wildlife in and around Jasper. 4 moose, 2 deer and a black bear!

where to start...

The last few weeks have just flown by. Our vacation was wonderful, exciting, fun...yet somewhat bittersweet. I can't even begin to process it all right now, so here is the short version.

Vancouver doesn't feel like home anymore. The traffic is worse than I remembered. It just didn't feel like a 'fit' anymore.
However, Jen and Joe's place felt like home to us. Rob's sister and her hubby were so gracious to have us stay with them for our whole trip. It was so great to be at their place. In fact, the time we spent with them was a highlight of the trip. The kids got to play with their cousins (not to mention how great a 6 and 8 year old can be at 'babysitting' while the grown ups drink coffee in peace!!). The backyard had lots of fun things to do for our older 2, including a trampoline and swing set. Fun toys in the playroom, and a cousin who loved to dress up her younger cousins. We stayed up too late talking almost every night, and Jen watched the older kids a few times so we could get out more too. What a blessing they are!!

We attended Sean and Leslie's wedding. Beautiful day. It was so wonderful to share in their day, especially since both of us have known and loved them for so long. Leslie was a gorgeous bride, and Sean looks great in a kilt!

Rob baptised our niece, Katie. Despite the rumour mill working overtime, we did NOT baptise Ruby at the same time. Rob did a great job with the services on Sunday, especially given that he was doing so in the church he grew up in. As he put it, "it was really strange administering communion to people who just see 'little Robbie' when they look at me". Then a huge bbq in my MIL's backyard. So many people came out, it was good to see them...even though we didn't get as much time with everyone as we may have wanted. There were so many kids there too, things have really changed in our group of friends in the last 10 years or so.

Granville Island with the kids and my dad. That was nice, and I also got some great birthday and Christmas ideas for my kids. Met up with my sister, and her dogs. Her puppies aren't used to kids, my kids aren't used to dogs. We stayed for 15 minutes then went for supper. Not the most successful pairing.

Had a nice visit with T and baby L. He is just full of life! I really don't know of another baby who is quite so engaging with people at his age. Little extrovert. It was so neat to spend time with such an old friend, but now both of us as mothers.

Went to Science World with Katie and her family. That was fun. My kids seemed to really like her boys a lot. All of the kids seemed to handle the day well, despite us parents keeping them out way past naptime. :) Great to finally meet you, Katie!

Shopping was done too. I got my new glasses, found a lovely outfit for the wedding (on sale no less, I haven't lost my touch!), picked up some things on our buy list. IKEA with Jen and all 5 of our kids, and we all survived. Found some great options for the girls bedroom. Got Norah her shoes for fall.

Dinner with P and T, and got to see their new home. Spent some days with Rob's parents. Visited J and V's new home, and got to spend a chunk of time with Katie, the youngest of all the grandkids on Rob's side. Went to our previous church, where I was thrilled to hang out with the kids in Sunday school, because some of Isaac's old buddies were there. Rob got dragged in to the youth study and really enjoyed seeing some of his 'old kids'. Lunch with M and M, then supper out at my aunt and uncles, along with my 2 cousins and their hubbies - and their kids! K's little R and my Ruby are only 2 weeks apart, but hadn't met yet.

More visiting, including a day at camp. More on that to come. It just felt like we did so much, yet not enough. I wish we had more time to see more people, to spend more one-on-one time with them. 2.5 weeks goes too fast...

home

home. safe. tired. downloading over 100 pics. lots to unpack. wish house was somewhere near as tidy as SILs. back later.

from the vacation

checking in. have been super busy, especially if you count having wonderful chats with my SIL and BIL as busy. :) We're all alive, doing great. Kids were amazing on the trip here, just amazing. We drove through Jasper park as the sun rose over the mountains. Stunning. Did it in the 2 days Rob was aiming for. Wedding was wonderful, baptism was great, bbq party at inlaws was bittersweet. Got to cuddle with friend's kids I hadn't met yet, and see kids I hadn't seen in almost 2 years. Vancouver no longer really feels like home. There is just so much I want to say, but can't squeeze in right now. Some of my linked-to blogs have some photos up already. I'm just here for a moment, need to run soon. I'll catch it all up soon.

heading out

well, we go in the morning. not sure when I'll be back up and running here.

Isaac didn't break his arm after all, which is good. He had a fall in the backyard, and was favoring his left arm severely. But a Saturday night trip to the hospital is never fun when we are getting ready to go on a trip.

Van is packed. Coffee is ready for the morning. We're going. See you later!

grr, when things don't go right

ordered a package of stuff that was going to be a great helper on the road trip. it didn't arrive. went to the post office to see about re-routing the package. would cost $30. Denice at the post office, who is my new hero, suggested I call the company and have them resend it to BC, and she would have the p.o. refuse the shipment. woo hoo! that worked. so, it's being sent to my inlaws.

then, ran out to the Co-op for some 'last minute food'. They were SO busy, long weekend friday and all. Got home, and tripped up our front stairs and pretty much tore off the big toenail on my left foot. There is a lot of blood. It's icky. Looks like that will influence my shoe choice on our trip.

I like my new haircut, which is good, but picked up a box of dye to cover the grey that was popping though. didn't go with my usual colour. it's a touch more orange than I was hoping for. I'll give it a couple of days to see what I think for sure. I did get a compliment on it today though.

Came within inches (seriously!) of a major car accident yesterday. Some (looked drunk, really he did) moron tried to turn right into me. As though my BIG WHITE VAN was invisible. grrr.

Baked up a loaf of banana bran bread for breakfast on Sunday. Came home from an errand yesterday afternoon to find Rob and the kids ate half of it. now, to be fair, I didn't tell them what it was for, but still.

Oh, and I'm trying really hard to clean my house before we go...but the little cyclones I call my beloved children keep thwarting my efforts. Maybe if I keep them out of a cleaned room...then I guess they will be sleeping on the stair landing tomorrow night! Need a visual giggle to keep from banging my head into a wall.

Does this mean my trip will go well? I sure hope so!

more plans, but these aren't trip related

I've got this plan. Rob doesn't get it, but I think it would be great. I want to work with our garage and make it not only clean and organized, but turn it into a play space for the kids. Because the garage isn't insulated or heated, we couldn't use it like an indoor space, but it would be a good spot for wind/rain/snow/mud/sun free play. I was thinking of just putting up some boards along the walls, then building in some basic cupboards on one wall. The cupboards could contain all our garage junk, lawnmower, out of season tires, bbq in winter, random stuff, recycling. Nothing fancy at all, but it would give the kids a nice spot to get out some big energy. Our playroom in the basement just isn't that large, and it's feeling a touch small with all 3 of them now playing there. It would be nice to be able to put the little tykes basketball net out there, and not have to worry about hitting Ruby on the head while we try to shoot baskets. It would be so nice to have more playspace. I'm trying to convince Rob, so I added in that it would be a perfect size for a ping pong table in a couple of years :) Wonder what that would cost.

Our kitchen is making me mental again. I think we need new appliances. Our fridge is sounding sad, old and whiney. Our stove is tempermental. The big burner works when it feels like it, which means it will often conk out mid-cooking job. nice and frustrating. Can't replace it though, because we don't want to buy appliances and have to move them in a few years or 'donate' them to the church. Also, the church is talking about kitchen renos...but who knows what that will look like, or when it will happen. Or if when it does happen, if I'll get any input into it. Ah, the joys of rectory life

plans, plans

Things are coming together for our trip out west (I keep starting to type home, but it's not really home anymore). We decided today to take the northern route there, as in Jasper. I managed to find a hotel that wasn't too $$, like the Fairmont Jasper, a slight $590 a night! Rob is still determined to do it in two days, and I was right there with him...until I realised it's a holiday weekend. The drive from Kamloops to the Lower Mainland, well, could be slow. I remember what the #1 can look like once you hit Hope. Mary, we may be knocking on your door Monday night...are you home? The holiday Monday parking lot is not quite what I had in mind. May be an overnight in Kamloops. Think it will be that bad?

If I can get us organized like I want to be, we'll be hitting the road around 6:30 am on Sunday. We're looking at a 8 hour day in the van, plus stops. Woo hoo.

no wonder I can't see

had my eyes checked today. I have had my current glasses since before I got pregnant with Isaac, so we're talking close to 6 years here. The opt asks me why it's been so long. I tell her it's because I keep getting pregnant and asked her if she would tell my husband to leave me alone. (giggle) Well, it's about time I had them looked at. My eyes have gotten worse. Although, it's not terribly bad, at least now both eyes are pretty much equally bad. I'm hoping I can hit one of the decent eyeglass stores in BC and get a nice new pair. Maybe not plastic frames again though, these ones have held up alright, but the kids have done a number on them. Which is a bummer, I want a funkier pair. I'll probably look into new lenses for my sunglasses too, I SO was not a clip-on girl.

Does anyone remember me getting these glasses? I seem to remember having new glasses back when we lived in Surrey. Could it really be that long ago? Really? Maybe Fall '00. Because we moved out of there January 1, 2001. That's crazy. And I still have no desire to get contacts. I still get all icked out when I remember the time Leslie needed me to put eye drops in her eyes, and when Tanya had to hold me down for drops at camp the year I was pregnant with Isaac. Now I'm really icked out all over again. *shudder*

**Correction** Rob has informed me that the glasses I am currently wearing were purchased after we moved to Vancouver. I know I got them at Oakridge mall, so he must be right. I know when I had them fixed after my car accident they were still under the one year warranty. He must be right. Smart man.

what to do in Vancouver - shop and eat

- Discount Diapers for some new covers
- pair of glasses for me
- shoes for me
- pair of dress shoes for Norah
- Granville Island with the kids, get musical instruments for Sunday School
- Sunday School shopping list at real dollar stores
- IKEA for sheets for Norah's bed, and slipcover for green armchair (hmmm, wonder if I could persuade MIL to make curtains for girls room...maybe Christmas gift...)
- shoes for Rob, without going to Seattle if we're lucky
- I want to go to Meinhardts for some fun food stuff, nice vinegars and such. I miss a good exotic food place. Oh and maybe Capers for some fun healthy/organic treats.

- SUSHI!!!
- Thai House
- Rob wants to go to DeDutch for breakfast
- Earls for kung pow chicken
- Milestones! thai chicken drumettes, or brunch
- Starbucks for coffee A LOT
- if we can make it up to camp, it would be great to top the day off with a trip to Trolls for fish and chips and beer.

I want to get a hair cut with my old hairdresser. My original plan was to get a cut the day of the wedding, so I would look decent. But she's on vacation until the 15th. Bummer. So I might need a haircut this week so I don't look like a mess at the wedding...any more than I will already. Maybe I can get Jackie to take some off the back this week.

I want to learn to make sushi. That's a random aside, but something I want to learn. Maybe a trip to a decent store for some supplies...

things to do

before we head out on vacation I need to

- get my eyes checked, so I can buy glasses in Vancouver
- go to Curves, and get my travel pass, so I can work out there
- figure out what shoes I am wearing to the wedding and church
- get this wedding gift figured out
- pack
- clean the house
- finish the baby thank you cards (!! I am so slow)
- get A and S-J's birthday gifts in the mail

what I don't need to do...but keep working on.

- clean out my closets. they will still be there when we get home
- reorganize my kitchen. once again, still there when we get home
- paint the girl's name wall hangings

Why am I working on the second list and not the first one? Really.

bah!

I really hate this town. I can't seem to speak the language, or I'm missing something. I'm nice, people like me...just not here. I have friends in other places in the world...just not here. I had 2, that is *2* long distance calls today that were SO wonderful. Just makes me want to shout out my front door "hey you freaks, people actually like me enough to call me! what do you think of that??" and give a big ol' neener neener to them.

Sure beats what I almost did today. Which was to sit down on the sidewalk out front of the Co-op and cry.

from Rebecca's blog

And the King will tell them,
I assure you, when you did it to
one of the least of these my brothers and sisters,
you were doing it to me!
Matthew 25:40

And I'm curious...


How does this look in your home? How do you actively seek ways to serve the least of these?

Rebecca offered this up as a challenge recently. I've been mulling it over for a few days now.

I remember very clearly that first day Isaac was in our lives. I was out of surgery, back in our room at St. Paul's, drugged and very uncomfortable. Heck, I was in pain. I was lying on my bed wondering when this little baby's parents were coming to get him...then through my drugged out fog, remembered that he was mine. That I was responsible for this tiny, red faced, tightly swaddled little boy. The weight of that was huge. Who was *I* to have the job of taking care of this little human, perfect and tiny and not yet messed up by the outside world? What was God thinking?

That night, we put him in the bassinet that the hospital provided. I wasn't sure if I was allowed to hold him in my arms all night (first timer!). I woke up to an awful sound around 3 am. Isaac was gagging on some mucus in his lungs, coughing and sputtering. I jumped out of bed - literally jumped - to get to him. Yes, I had had major surgery less than 24 hours previously. Yes, I was still catheritized and hooked up to an IV. Yes, I was barely able to sit up straight, but I jumped. By the time I got to him and picked him up, I was sobbing. Not only was I scared, but it HURT. I knocked my catheter out of place, pulled a stitch along my incision line. Rob woke up at this point, bewildered and unsure of who to help first, the crying baby or crying wife. In that painful, somewhat scary and very REAL moment, I realized that being a parent was going to hurt. Not always physically, and not always in a bad way, but hurt nonetheless.

I realized that this tiny human was part of me, and that I would do anything for him, even despite my own pain. Then it connected in my brain, how much me looking at and admiring this little boy must be like God and us. Looking at this tiny being and seeing the beauty and perfection in them...yet knowing that it wouldn't stay that way forever, that this little boy whose presence was bringing me such joy would one day break my heart in ways I hadn't even thought of. Yet, that I would give my very life for him. Just because he was mine. Brought the gospel message home in a new way.

That short hospital stay cemented in me why treating my children with respect was important. Not only are they a part of me, they are God's children - even more than they are 'mine'. They belong to Him, and I needed to treat them that way. Not to overprotect and shelter from the world, but to take care of, nurture, love, guide and protect. Sometimes, yes, that means waking up to deal with a teething baby at 4 am when I would rather be in bed. Sometimes it means stepping back and calming myself before freaking out on the child that is happily the garbage on to the floor. Sometimes it means finding some endurance to get through the late afternoon when I am just so tired from the night before that I want everyone to go away so I can be alone. Sometimes it means having that extra minute of snuggles for the child who is feeling a little lonely for mom, or comforting a crying child who doesn't seem to have a 'good reason' to cry. Because it is how I would want to be treated. Because I believe that babies and children have needs that we may not understand, but can do our best to meet. Because I want them to be able to understand grace and selfless love because they have seen it in their lives. Because if I am doing it for the King...I want to do it right.

the screaming...

Ruby can *scream*. Seriously, it's not even human. She does it A LOT. TOO MUCH. It is insane...or I will be. Tonight, she is fighting sleep. I just put her down on the floor and told her to go away for a few minutes. My ears hurt.

It's a good thing she is so cute.

still hot

still sleeping downstairs. Right now it's not TOO bad upstairs. Our town is the hotspot for the province as of 9 am. Isaac is at VBS at the Lutheran church this week, I hope it goes well. We may be exploring the idea of partnering with them for VBS next summer. Rob was mad at me yesterday afternoon...and I just can't imagine why. He was sitting on the back deck, I was in the kitchen. He yelled into the house and asked me to please bring him some water. He never said he wanted it in a cup.... *I* thought it was funny, and the expression on his face was priceless. He got over it, and I brought him a drink after that. Although he was complaining that his underwear was still damp hours later. I am just waiting for my payback.

I'm taking the girls to the grocery store in a couple of minutes, it's air conditioned there. We don't really need groceries, but it's a trip to somewhere cool. Walking Isaac the 2 blocks to VBS this morning was really, really hot. I'm craving some really cool air, we're even using fans downstairs. Hmmm...what to make for supper.

we have hit 40 with the humidex. topped out over 100. it is unbearable. the sun beats down on our little house, heating it up even more than the outside. we are moving downstairs. Rob's office transformed into a little dorm for 2 children, and we are even running fans down there because it is still too warm. We are beyond grateful for a second tv and cable outlet in the basement. This weather is supposed to run until Wednesday. We may never come back up again...there is an old fridge down there, a bathroom, and we can cook in the clothes dryer, right?

I love, love, love living 40 minutes away from some of the most beautiful lakes I have ever seen. I only wish it wasn't quite so hot today. It's in the low 30's (or 90's). On the plus side, we ate all 3 of our meals outside today! Hopefully next summer we can spend a week or 2 at a cabin at one of the lakes....

it is a hot day, Rob is off...the lake calls to us....

I will probably take that last post down in the morning.

more good news

our yard is finally going to be finished...more on the kids blog. I am so tired of the large pile of dirt, the holes from attempts to grow trees, fence that didnt connect on one side, making a huge escape route...and the general ick of our yard.

I think its good news

No, it is good news. Mostly. I had my appointment with the specialist today. She thinks my levels seem to be balancing out and that I seem to be on the road to *normal* again. However, her *normal* and what the current definition of normal is are not quite aligned. Meaning, I am on the high side of normal, or slightly above normal. She said that taking myself off the meds, which were seriously making me mental and unable to function, was a good move. I am going back for yet more bloodwork, but it seems like things are on the way to good. So why is this weight being so stubborn...

I had a nice visit with mom, and it was almost like a vacation to have only Ruby with me. She was a peach on the drive, both ways, sleeping for most of it. Mom took her walking while I was in the docs office. Afterwards, we walked over to the Taste Of Saskatchewan, which opened today. What a fun festival! A whole bunch of restaurants had booths and you could buy tickets and get different foods from them. Mom got some funky mango avacado salad thing, from her next door neighbours place ~ he is the head chef. I got a really nice, if spicy, black bean and lime chipolte chicken wrap. Then we had cheesecake, triple dipped in chocolate, on a stick. Cheesecake on a stick... After that, we walked over to a really lovely toy store and browsed. Mom bought a couple of things for the kids, some colour changing ducks for Norah, and a watch thing for Isaac. She also got some fun birthday ideas. Then home again. Where the kids were great, Rob was tired, but good. He forgot to start dinner in the crock pot though. It is good to be home, with everyone, and thinking I may be on the road to recovery...I hope. So take that Dr. G, I am NOT crazy. It was just the crazy pills you put me on.

it would be worth it, right?

I am thinking that I want to upgrade our long distance plan. For an extra $10 a month, we can get unlimited long distance across North America. A big step up from our cross Canada evenings and weekends plan. Then I won't have to think about making my calls only on Saturday, because evenings just don't always work out, between time zones and bedtimes. AND I could call all 50 states, as well as all the provinces. Sounds good to me...think it would be worth it? Plus, we are now going to be getting some extra $$ each month, thanks to the Conservatives, and I dont want to just get beer and pretzels with that cash. hee hee.

today's random thoughts

- my keyboard is working properly again! Woo hoo!! Full use of letters and punctuation again.

- I have my appointment with the specialist on Tuesday morning. I am trying to not get ahead of myself, worry-wise. I am a little nervous though, I am going to have to go to Saskatoon the night before. I am only taking Ruby with me, the older 2 are staying home with Rob. I have not been that far away from Norah before, yes I was in the hospital 3 nights after Ruby was born, but that was across the street. Really, pretty much across the street, if you have been here, you know I'm not making that up. Yes, they will be in great hands, no worries there, but Norah is going through a bit of a mommy phase. It is only 24 hours or so though, and so much easier than making the kids sit through another drive like the one we did yesterday.

- We had a thunderstorm blow into town tonight. Just as I was bbq'ing dinner. Really strong winds. Blew the bbq out. That was annoying, so I finished dinner off in the oven.

- My husband is amazing. He has us almost 100% caught up on the laundry already. He is so wonderful at getting the laundry downstairs, washed and dried, and back up again. I fold it though, so it's not all him. I have NO issues with folding if he washes. ;)

- It is really hard to wash dead, dried up bugs off of a white minivan.

home from camp

Lately, it feels like all we do is come and go from home! Camp is over, it went well. I updated the kids blog, so if you want pics and stuff, check there. I'm too tired to do a big update here.

I was reminded by many of the older women on staff (cooks, nurse and drama leader to be precise) how fast childhood goes. Our girls were mobbed and loved by many campers, but these older women were really loving and uplifting to *me*. Sharing lovely stories of nursing their little ones, cuddling with their babies, carrying their tiny ones in a snuggly, of kissing tiny toes and singing during bathtime. A lovely reminder to cherish the moments, as they pass too quickly. Just as Rob and I felt that Norah really grew up a lot on us this week, before we know it they will be old enough to be campers at camp, instead of staff kids. Too often, I just want the day to be over and done with, and quiet to return to the house...but every moment with them is such a blessing and a gift. Now I want to go and give them all a cuddle.

camp starts tomorrow afternoon. will be back afterwards.

B, hope all is going well with your move prep

And for the person I said I would be praying for...praying for you *heart* hoping to hear a good update soon.

August 13th at St. C. That is the baptism service for Katie. Rob will be doing both the 8 and the 1o am services that day.

So...what is everyone wearing to Sean and Leslies wedding...I need help picking an outift!

working vacation

As we prepare to head to the coast next month, it would seem that Rob will be working while we are there. His brother and wife are wanting to have our niece baptized...and who better to do it than the family priest! So, not only are we going to be godparents, but Rob will actually be doing the service. It had to get cleared on their priests end, etiquette wise, but all is good. In fact, their priest is on vacation for half of August, so he asked Rob to take both of the a.m. services that Sunday. Which he will get an paid for, which is nice. Although a little strange, he will be doing the services in the church he grew up in.

more random thoughts

*Norah is talking up a storm, but we really need to work on how well she pronounces the word fork

* it would appear that our laptop keyboard is kind of toast. I may never really use the p properly again. I really miss my punctuation marks.

* I forgot to renew my car insurance last month...so glad we do automatic withdrawal, otherwise I would be in serious trouble. As it is, I can still get a ticket for out of date stickers.

* Ruby is starting to talk. Seriously. She says Mamma, and Dadda. For us. She woke up the other night and Rob went to her, she looked at him and started crying Mamma and stretched towards the door.

* I am really done with heat and humidity and no air conditioning. Done.

* After the water boil fiasco, this town is digging itself out of the hole I see it in. They have finally started construction on the toddler park. The park that is practically across the street. The park that will hopefully not be the toddler death trap that most of the other parks in town are. Although, I am not so sure about their idea of spring...

* Why do people feel the need or right to comment on someone elses family status. You know, why would you ever want 3 children, your hands look full you better be done, or you arent thinking about starting a family NOW are you, or when are you going to have another child. Is it your body, your family, your wallet...didnt think so.

* We are going to camp next week, and I am really not looking forward to it. I miss Artaban, at least there I knew what I would be getting into. Here...well, I dont even know what the building we will be staying in is like. Do you know how hard that makes it to pack! Also, I am worried about Norah and bug bites. Although, benadryl will help her sleep.

* TMI warning.
After 2.5 years, it looks like my body is having a visitor return. I forgot how icky cramps were. sigh. It was a nice run though...

Happy Birthday to my hubby!

Today is Robs birthday. Yay!! We let him sleep in a bit, and Isaac and I made him an ice cream cake. Crushed Oreos in vanilla, with oreo topping and gummy worms. The worms were Isaacs idea. We are planning to BBQ again tonight, steak and potatoes with salad and corn. If we get more propane that is. Right now it is almost 3, and it is 37, aka 1oo degrees. Stinking hot. I do not want to do anything but sit with my kids, who are NOT napping, and do nothing. Too hot to go outside, too hot to stay in. I really wish we had central air.

Last night, just as we were going to be, we had a thunderstorm. That was neat. But loud. And bright. And long. At least it cooled down so we could sleep upstairs.

well, that kind of defeated the purpose. It is stinky hot again, with more heat predicted for tomorrow. Rob bought some Corona today, and we threw 4 in the freezer. We had 2 with dinner...just pulled the other 2 out. Beer slurpees anyone...

*for the record, we are not currently affected by the bad forest fires in our area. The affected area is north and east of here. Just in case you were worried or wondering if it was local to us. Although, we can smell smoke some mornings, the big fires are not really close to here*

Mom has central air conditioning. We do not. I did not want to leave today. However, at midnight last night, I remembered that today was the playgroup windup party. At 11. There was no way we would make it, unless we left at 7 am. We woke up at 8. Yet again, another chance to get to know moms in town down the drain. Oh well, I got to meet Candice and her girls in Saskatoon! That was wonderful. Her girls are so lovely, and holding her 8 week old did not even give me a twinge to have another baby. So what if most of my friends live, oh, hours away!

Ok, funny story from Candice and I meeting up. We took the kids to the Fun Factory, an indoor playground, with air conditioning. With our admission yesterday, we got free popcorn bags. Well, we ended up taking pictures of us eating popcorn, so we can use them as our new *popcorn smilies* when we are posting. Although, the pics are on her camera, so I do not know how well they turned out, we were both laughing as we did it. Well, we thought it was funny.

8 months today

My sweet Ruby is 8 months old today. Time goes too fast. Such a big girl...














And here are all 3, for the record, Norah and Isaac chose their own clothing today.

The scale has moved! Just a touch in the downward direction, but still it is finally DOWN. woo hoo for me. I guess Rob and I being sick last week has paid off a bit.

We are heading to Saskatoon tomorrow after church. I am meeting up with an online buddy who is in town with her 2 little girls. I am so excited. Then we get ready for a week at camp and then it is all about getting ready for the Vancouver trip. Lots to plan there, working out who we are going to try to see, what we are going to do...I am really excited about that trip. We get to see Les and Sean get married too. We have also all been invited to the wedding Rob is doing at the end of August, so I have to think about what the kids will need to wear. About what I will need to wear!

more on the bbq

We are addicted to the bbq food this week! Tonight was roasted balsamic veggies and tofu, followed up by nectarines in a balsamic honey glaze with whipped cream. The tofu recieved a mixed reception, the boys were not huge fans. I even took chunks of last nights french bread, tossed it in the marinade, and grilled it too. Norah was all over the nectarines tonight.

Cooler day here, lots of outdoor play for the kids, and a father & son trip to the store for slurpees. Good, very good.

Oh, and Bonnie, I think just about anything is good with rosemary in it!

Recipe and smoke

I slept downstairs last night. So much cooler. Ruby and I had the whole bed to ourselves, Rob decided to go upstairs. Which was a decent idea, as Isaac climbed in with him early in the am. Isaac actually slept in until 93o this morning. There is a lot of smoke in the air today, some new forest fires started north of here. Apparently the thunderstorm passed by north of us, and some lightening strikes started a few fires. I have not really thought about the risk of forest fires and living pretty much IN a forest until this week. Hopefully no fires come that close.

It is cooler today, with a breeze. Yay!

I wanted to share our recipe from last nights supper, it is easy and really good too. Great for hot days.

Get a bunch of tomatoes, the smaller, sweeter ones are best. I usually buy the Campari ones in the plastic clamshell, I especially adore the yellow ones thrown in too. Squish them into a big bowl, and rip them into small pieces. This is a great job for small children, mine had a blast doing this part. Rip up some fresh basil and toss in as well. If you cannot find fresh in your small, dinky town, freeze dried is much better than plain old dried herbs. Drizzle olive oil over that, and throw in some salt to taste. Let the flavours get to know each other for a while. Then throw in some spaghetti noodles, enough to feed your family. Toss, and pour some balsamic vinegar overtop. Serve hot or cold, with some nice bread for soaking up the juices. Soooo good. My kids inhale this dish, and it doesnt get the kitchen too hot. You could add garlic, but it is really nice without it too.

as the temperature hits 39 with the humidity, or 1oo for my American friends, I long for central air conditioning. A couple bottles of Mexican beer chill in our freezer, this is beer weather. Supper is spaghetti, chilled and tossed with fresh tomatoes and basil, a family favourite. Blackberry and blueberry flan with whipped cream for dessert. I am going downstairs in moments to hide from the heat. We are under a thunderstorm watch, with hail, so we moved *my* vehicle to the garage for protection. A storm would be a nice break right now.

I have an appointment to see the specialist on July 18. There is my update. 3 weeks to wait and see. The specialist that my doc sent me to has a 6 to 8 month waiting list, so I will gladly see his associate.

It is a GIRL!

Welcome baby E! Baby girl for my dear friends out east. I think she is adorable, and looks like her mom in the picture you sent. Girl #3....oh boy, dad...you are going to have to be on your guard when the boys start coming around!

it is so hot!!! or, why I do not live in the South

it is beyond hot here. we watched a video with the kids downstairs tonight. it was too hot upstairs. with the humidex, it is 34. tomorrow is supposed to be hotter. our living room holds heat like crazy, afternoon and evening sun. kids played in the pool for ages today. too hot to continue. it is going down to 26 overnight. i may sleep downstairs.

34 equals 93
26 is 79 for my American friends. Wow, somehow it does not sound quite so hot in F. BUT IT IS!

mom crush

Went to Isaac's last day of preschool party today. Brought Ruby along, who was peaceful and placid in the sling. Started chatting to a mom I've never met before - she has the only other little boy who is part-time in Isaac's class. Her son is a year older than Isaac. Anyhow, I have a HUGE mom crush on her! She was funny, down to earth and personable. Things I haven't really run into here. In fact, there seems to be this 'mom-ese' language that is native to this town, and I don't speak it well. For a town that claims to be really friendly, they aren't. So, back to my mom crush. I want to be her friend! We were already having a great giggle over some stuff, and were both equally horrified by the unattended children who showed up at the park. Took all I had not to run after her and give her my number, begging her to be my friend. I just don't know how to make the first move! Preschool is over, and I don't know when I will see her again.

On the bright side, she lives near the park we were at, and I know which house is hers. (don't stalk her, don't stalk her, don't stalk her....)

got mad at the town office

we were on a boil water advisory. The town had letter delivered to each home, informing us of the situation. The letters advised that there would be follow up information available when the advisory was going to be lifted.

Well, come to find out on Wednesday night - WEDNESDAY NIGHT - while Rob is at bible study, that they lifted the advisory on Monday. MONDAY. How did they get the word out? By the tiny little local radio station. A couple of announcements on the local radio station. The one that only plays very old country music. You know, THE ONE I DON'T LISTEN TO. I listen to a combination of CBC radio and kids music. So how were we supposed to know that the advisory was lifted? My amazing psychic powers? Seriously.

So I called the town office and generally let loose on the counsellor who was in charge of this. He took absolutely NO ownership of this at all, made it sound like it was my fault. I'm sorry, I recieved a letter, at my door to let me know...how was I supposed to know that local radio was going to have the exclusive broadcasting rights to the end of the advisory information. The original letter had NO indication that the news was only going to be available on local radio...if they had SAID that, I would have LISTENED to it. Instead, I'm just ticked off. That was 2 whole extra days of boiling water for everything.

This town is just horrible for sharing information. Horrible. Like all the advertising for the Rodeo days, telling people not to park along the parade route. But could you FIND the parade route published anywhere? Not at all. apparently in this town, you *just have to know* these things.

Ug. I almost want to take this up in the local paper.

quick update

home from Saskatoon (more on the trip on the kids blog - link on right). Rob and I were sick for a couple of days, but seem to be better. Missed going to Starbucks, not sure how that happened. Kids have roseola - so we're skipping church today. I'm now just waiting to hear from the specialist.

not quite what I was expecting

Didn't sleep well last night, I seem to be dealing with some sort of illness here, along with the kids. Feverish and tossy-turney, and nauseous today. Ick. Norah has goopy eyes and is still a touch feverish too, and Isaac seems under the weather too. Blah.

Then I had my follow up with Dr. G about my thryoid. Apparently, it's worse. Much worse. My levels have doubled instead of dropping off like they were supposed to. I'm being referred to a specialist in the city. (which I really hope means Saskatoon instead of Regina) Blah, blah, blah, radioiodine therapy, or surgery...all bad. I don't quite know what this means right now, but from what I can tell, my options aren't pretty either way.

random thoughts

- I'm working on a 40 mile goal in the next few weeks. 40 miles on the treadmill. Let's see how that goes. I'm at 2.5 already.

- cleaned our fridge out today - with all the stuff the kids have knocked over in there, it had a smell. hope this fixes it.

- It always blows me away when I see my niece's blog - it's sometimes shocking to me just how much Rob and his brother look alike in pictures. I check out a picture and think "what is Rob doing with that baby?".

- finally, we are having a thunderstorm. After at least 8 days of predicting one, it's here. Nothing major, but still getting thunder

- the doctor's office called today, and I have an appointment tomorrow to follow up on my meds. This could be interesting.

- still boiling water. it's not too bad, but it's annoying.

bang my head against a wall

seriously, that's what I want to do.

I've been eating so well lately. Really well. Yet I've gained weight, and am now at a new highest weight. Stupid thyroid. Stupid, stupid thyroid. I need a higher dose of meds. I'm now going to go downstairs and run on the treadmill. If I don't break the stupid thing with my size! *sob* this is so depressing.

more on today

all in all, a nice day. Kids were mostly great - Isaac isn't doing a great job of listening, but that's workable. We made cookies today for Rob, as his father's day present. Rob already got his ipod for our anniversary, and the father's day component was the adaptor for the car. Chocolate and butterscotch chip. Fun to make with Isaac, although he gave up and left as we were putting them in the oven. Had a lovely phone call with a GCMom today. It was so neat to talk to her, when I knew so much about her already. Hopefully we will be able to meet up in a couple of weeks, if our schedules work out the way we are hoping they will. Had dinner at D and N's place, along with their son S and his wife G. The kids 'fished' in their backyard for ages. It was nice to visit with them, and even better not to have to cook!

I tried to call my dad earlier. He wasn't home, and his cell message picked up right away too. To be honest, I was kind of relieved. Didn't really want to talk to him, not really sure why. Left a message, was the dutiful daughter. Yadda yadda. I'm just a little annoyed with him, and really don't want to play the 'you're such a great dad' junk today.

I'm really missing GCM...pathetic of me. A little bird told me she has become a lurker there, here is her nudge to fully join up if she hasn't already...and to let me know she did it. She knows who she is.... ;)

*that* felt more like mother's day

This morning, Rob overslept somewhat because the kids re-set the alarm clock. Despite us being up until 1, I felt refreshed at 7:10 when he hit the ground running. ?Ruby woke up, but was quickly nursed back down. Then I fell asleep again. Woke up, on my own, at 8:30. Norah and Isaac didn't wake until 8:45, and Ruby stayed down until 9:45. What a treat for me on father's day!

Saturday

It's been so muggy lately. Ick. I don't like humid weather at all. Today is that 'not warm, but not cold' muggy, so I'm not sure if we should have windows open or shut. Our coffee maker has developed some attitude too, so I'm working on figuring that out too. It spilled half our coffee out the back, and I was moving the stove out to clean it up this morning. Found one of Norah's socks back there. Still haven't been given the all clear on our water, so I'm boiling water all day. That doesn't help with the humidity in the house, and makes me feel a bit like I'm attending a birth in the 1800's.

Ruby is rolling and 'army crawling' up and down the hallway right now. She is really getting fast, and is usually dragging herself around after me. She's even cleared the threshold of our kitchen doorways a couple of times. Growing up way too fast.

I feel like all I'm doing is complaining. I don't mean to. My life is mostly good, it's just that it feels like something is always out of sorts around here. From my health, to flooding basements, to appliances not working, and so on, and so on. Really, it's not that bad, just annoying.

today is better

I couldn't be more glad to see the end of yesterday. Seriously. Thanks to those who sent kind words and thoughts. *heart*

Today is much better. Doesn't hurt that it's Rob's day off either. Last night, I hung some extra liner type things in the kid's windows, so they slept a bit longer this morning. That was a bonus. Then after a slow-ish start, we took the kids to our local Children's festival. I was rather impressed with how good it was. That was fun. I managed to leave a row of 10-12 year old girls shocked when they watched me do a quick back toss with Norah in the mei tai. That was hilarious. Our girls were quite the hit today, between random girls coming up to 'see the cute babies' and Norah getting some attention during one of the shows by 2 of the performers, the girls were almost famous! This day has gone so fast though, I can't believe I'm nursing Ruby for our pre-dinner-making nursing session already. We're having homemade pizza, and I'm still not quite sure if I want to do one big one, or a make-your-own. I'm thinking one big one would be less messy, but not quite as fun...

thank you Melanie Doane

This song kind of sums some things up nicely.

HAPPY HOMEMAKER

Maybe I'd be happy to let it all go
Dedicate my life to making jelly molds
Learn to cook and learn to sew
I'm a Happy Homemaker

Why have I been pushing so hard
when I could be out in the backyard
Letting down my hair
letting down my guard
I'm a Happy Homemaker

Barefoot and pregnant
never looked so good
We're all dying to take our shoes off
Never what we want
it's always what we should
Ahhh, I'm a Happy Homemaker

Maybe it'll be different this time �round
We'll put to use the wisdom
I hope we've found
Like to lose the crap
without losing ground
I'm a Happy Homemaker


Barefoot and pregnant
never looked so good
We're all dying to take our shoes off
Gone so far the other way
We're scared to be our mothers
and we're scared of going soft

Barefoot and pregnant
never looked so good
We're all dying to take our shoes off
Never what we want
it's always what we should
Ahhh, I'm a Happy Homemaker

today, their demand outstrips my supply. I need a day off. really, really need it.

I think I need stronger meds

I don't think my meds are strong enough. I've been back for more bloodwork, but no matter what the results say, I KNOW they aren't strong enough. I've been feeling more 'off' lately, and I'm not handling it well.

Today, I had a huge meltdown. Of course, it doesn't help that it feels like I'm on a never-ending ride of stressors. Things keep getting thrown at me, and I feel like such a drama queen over it, but it's just so hard sometimes. I'm not sure if this is just life, or what, but it sure feels like a lot on my plate. All 3 of my kids are draining me like mad right now too. This morning was hard. I finally called Rob upstairs to bail me out because it was either me losing it on my own, or taking it out on them - which I don't want to do.

It's so strange, it's like I'm completely rational in my irrational-ness. It's like I'm seeing myself on the verge of control and out of control, and the one thing that's keeping me from crossing that line is the knowledge that I would have consequences to my actions. Ok, now I sound crazy. But maybe if I really *was* crazy, it would be easier. As it is, I don't think I am, I just feel that I *could* be. hmmm. clear as mud?

Yep, I need stronger meds. Today I took 2 pills instead of one, and I'll see how that goes. Almost all of my previous symptoms are ramping up again, and I don't like it. Yep, here comes the 'almost noon headache' that I used to get pretty much daily.

Look what I saw today

while making lunch. Just looked down, and there she was, out cold. I love my mei tai! Thanks, Corie, it's fabulous! (if a bit challenging to transition her out of, it involved me climbing on the bed to untie it - but still much easier than the backpack!)

Boy, does she ever look like Isaac in this picture.

GCM is down

Here is the info, from Amanda (Punkie). hopefully we can be back up again soon!

what is annoying

- kids who are still leaking green snot. it's been too long :(
- an indefinite boil water advisory in our town - which means that we need to wash dishes by boiled water because our dishwasher doesn't hot enough. This on top of it being hot, and not being able to use our wading pool for the kids because they won't not drink it.
- having dead ceadar trees in our front yard. I pulled 3 up, but still have 3 to go...and nowhere to dump them. This makes our yard really really ugly.
- a son who is tired and cranky. that's frustrating
- a baby who is going through separation anxiety, so I can barely put her down. that is ok, but combined with having 2 other kids to take care of, it gets tiring

that is all annoying. Whine is now over.

I blame Garth and Mary

...and so it begins. We now own an ipod. Officially, it's Rob's anniversary gift from me, as the stand mixer was my gift. I blame them for showing us theirs. :)

home yet again

This has been a tiring week. S'toon with the kids. Children's festival was good, if cold and windy outside. The kids loved the show. Norah got a mosquito bite that went bad AND a bad reaction to some citrus. So I now have another kid on antibiotics. Isaac had a bad bout of constipation, but that passed (so to speak). Ruby now has 2 teeth. Tonight was a bbq at the church for the 75th anniversary. It's 7:30, I'm tired, and 2 kids are sleeping. I want to clean my house and have some wine. But there isn't any in the house. Oh well.

At least we didn't get the Norwalk virus...things could always be worse.

Wednesday

Hot water heater is fixed. Ruby has a double ear infection - how is it that my older 2 have NEVER had an ear infection, and she's on her second one? My mom came up yesterday to bail me out while Rob was gone for the day for meetings at the diocesan office. You know, since I was alone, had no sleep and still hadn't had a shower since Ruby wouldn't let me put her down. We're off to Saskatoon today for the Children's Festival. We'll be home in time for the church's 75th celebrations this weekend. But off to S'toon for a music show, playtime on the festival grounds, possibly a parade (if we stay until Saturday), a little shopping and some Starbucks! If only I can get us packed up quick!

Vote, vote, vote!!!

Go to CBC Hockeyville and vote for my town before midnight June 7th! Help make us Hockeyville Canada.

If you don't know which town is mine, we're the SK town from the North region. Vote for us!!!

I hate Mondays

Specifically, this Monday.

Our hot water heater is broken, and has been for a couple of days. I need a real shower. I don't like heating water on the stove to wash dishes (oh, and if only all 4 burners would work) Can't wash diapers, so we are back to sposies. Ick.

All three kids are still snotty as anything. Fun. I'm wiping noses on the fly, how elegant. ;)

The guy should be coming today to fix the heater. Should.

I messed up paying a bill online. As in, entered in the wrong account number for my HBC credit card. On both bank accounts. Oops. and double oops.

2 phone calls from telemarketers. Asking for "rectory anglican" (badly pronounced too). Nobody by that name here. Each time the phone rang I was changing a diaper and rushed to the phone in case it was the heater guy. Nope.

Ruby had her first real taste of solids last night. We went to the parade for Stampede week. They throw lots of candy. Norah decided to give up her freedom in exchange for a lollipop (back into the stroller). She shared it with Ruby. Roo had a couple of good licks of the lolli before we noticed. D'oh! Her first real solid was a yellow lollipop. Must be our third kid.

Oh, and I'm jealous too. Rob is currently at preschool with Isaac. They are doing a field trip today - to the bakery and the fire hall. I wanted to go! He got to do the bowling party last December, and now the field trip. Oh well, I get to take all the kids to the Children's Festival this week!

perfectionism

I am a perfectionist. And a procrastinator. It's a bad combination. Common combination, but still not a great one. I also know why I am a perfectionist. It's what has been drilled into me from birth by my father.

Let's backtrack a bit. Long story short, my father married my mother under less than honest circumstances. He portrayed himself as something other than what he felt he really was, and decided that having a family would fix everything. Catch was, that family had to be perfect. It had to look good. My mom was not pushy that way, but came from a long line of "stiff upper lip", "don't show your weakness" women. Not a great combination.

Being the compliant child I was, I bought into it easily. Good table manners, please and thank you, "party tricks" that I could pull out at dinner parties...all of that. Then dad figured out I was smart. I was reading by 3.5 (like my son!), was tested, and came up gifted. To keep me from being bored in school, I got put into music lessons. I did really well, despite being terribly shy, group lessons can help with that. Then dad started pushing me.

I was pushed to be the best in school, and I skipped a grade. I was pushed to be the best in music, and I didn't want to be. I was pushed to do everything well. Because, of course, MY doing well made dad look good, right? I can honestly say that I did do really well when I tried to. But I didn't like being pushed. I was shy, remember? I didn't like being "out there" as being "good" at stuff. That didn't fit with being pushed.

As I got older, I started pushing back. I hated piano. Scratch that, I enjoyed playing, I hated practicing. Especially when dad was home. I hated making mistakes. When he was around, he was really good at pointing out my mistakes as I practiced. I was finally able to quit at age 12, but it sure took a lot of fighting. He was also really good at pointing out where I came up short in school. Grade 9 is a big year in Quebec, first year of provincial exams. I was in a 'big academic' high school, had done some gifted programs there, and was aware of the pressure of big exams where you were measured against all the other grade 9 students in the province. Geography was the class. I was a whiz. I went into the final exam with a year to date average of 95%. I completed the exam with a 97%. Top 3% of the whole province. What did dad say? "where is the other 3 percent?" Now, I know he was joking...sort of.

Then we moved to BC. I quickly figured out that the BC curriculum was way different from the QU one. It was easier. So I stopped working. I stopped caring. I stopped going to class. Dad wasn't home much, and it was easy to slack off without him being around much to push me. Besides, my little sister wasn't doing well in school, so it was easy to hide behind her shortcomings. I failed a class for the first time ever. It actually felt good. I coasted through high school, only doing what I had to do get by. I had lots of teachers talk to me about how well I could do, if I tried, if I wrote the papers, if I showed up. But I didn't care. It felt good to know that I could do it without trying. I didn't want to go to University, because dad wanted me to, and I was tired of making him happy.

I was also scared. I didn't know what I wanted to do! I was never the kid who knew from grade 1 that I wanted to be a teacher, or a doctor, or a whatever. I just didn't know, and I wasn't about to make up my mind. I was too scared to mess up something big. High school was nothing, it was easy to get by, do the social thing to the best of my ability. I knew that University was big, and I didn't want to mess something big up. Something expensive. I hated failing. I was a perfectionist on my own, but the pushing from my dad sure didn't help. At all. I was also young, I wasn't ready to move away from home to go to school, and I couldn't deal with living at home - between my dad's expectations, I had a social group that wasn't big on university and I like to be a bit of a party girl.

So I did nothing. Put it off. (procrastination again, I'm really good at that) Heaven forbid I fail at something. I attempted a semester of college, 3 courses, at the insistence of my dad. THAT was a dismal failure. My GPA was...get this... .43. Yes that was a decimal point, with nothing before it. I was having too much fun, well, in life to attend class. I had a boyfriend, a semi-boyfriend, things to do, places to go, people to see...and none of them were in my classes.

Whatever. I moved on, found the Lord, met Rob...all good things. My teenage rebellion stuff was over. I was now doing what I wanted, to a point, not under my dad's pressure. That was good. But I was still dealing with my own pressure. Failing was still painful, hard and scary. I didn't like trying stuff I wasn't going to be good at right away. I didn't like coming up short at all.

I ended up going back to school. I did a 2 year diploma in PR. I was great at it, I was getting fantastic grades, especially in the academic courses. I was thrilled to be succeeding, excelling even. Being encouraged by some of my teachers to step out and do new things, to take the lead on projects. What a huge ego boost...and then coming home to a husband who was thrilled for me. He was supportive of me, regardless of my grades, where I stood in relation to the others in my class. That was wonderful.

Well, then I realized that corporate PR wasn't my thing at that point. I also got pregnant with Isaac. I worked, did great at my job, they wanted me to come back after mat leave ended. I chose to stay home with the little guy.

So now I face some of my issues as a parent. I was pushed to produce perfection. I then pushed myself in some ways. I don't want to pass that on to my kids. I struggle enough with not being able to ask for help when I need it, I *have* to have it together. I don't want my kids to feel that an attempt isn't good enough. That just trying isn't enough to win my affection. I love them no matter what. Their public faces don't elevate me, their accomplishments don't bring me glory, their strengths aren't my doing. I need to remind myself of that. I need to allow my kids to fail, to try their best and have that be ok. To try, to be, to experience. To hit a wrong note, to get dirty, to make mistakes. What I wish I had been able to do.

Now I'm not bitter, but I do wonder what might have been. I don't want to live vicariously through my kids, but I sure hope they don't carry the baggage over being perfect that I did. I don't fully blame my dad for this either, it was just a part of the bigger picture.

So I'm typing this out, while I 'should' be cleaning my kitchen...but it's late, and I felt like being a bit of a psychologist on myself...and the dishes will wait.