It's Sunday morning

...and I'm baking muffins for church. Strawberry banana crunchy muffins to be precise. Church is currently late enough in the morning for me to whip up some snacks for the kids before we go. Technically, we don't "do" Sunday school through the summer, but I'll probably take all the kids out for a snack towards the end of the service. We'll probably have 6 kids there, between age 18 months and 6 years. I would rather stay for the service and let my kids play in the cuddle room at the back if they don't want to sit, but I'm not sure if that will be possible with the other kids there. The combination of the 6 who will be there can get pretty loud pretty quickly.

This is one of the issues in our church - children, and what to do with them. I try to keep my kids well behaved and quiet enough in church. I'm also parenting solo on Sunday mornings, teaching Sunday school, and always outnumbered by my kids. Often, I need to make the judgment call "is what they are doing more disturbing than me stopping them?". My youngest likes to dance to the songs, in the aisle. All three of my kids are very comfortable in church, and have all tried to talk to daddy while he's working more than once. We're working on it. I have to say that church with my oldest is pretty much night and day from when he was 2 to 3.

The problem comes in when us younger moms, those of us with children under age 10, run into the people who make it clear that kids being kids isn't acceptable. To be clear, I don't let my kids run amok in church. Not at all. I do the best I can though, especially in a smaller building where there isn't anywhere to hids. Yes, they are louder in the hall after church, but they aren't terribly loud in church. There are some people in church who do come from the school of "children should be seen and not heard". These people were the exact people I ran up against a few weeks ago, when I had finally had enough. Enough of people trying to parent my children when I am *right there*. Enough of people shushing my kids - and making much more noise than the kids were in the process. Enough of the looks (and if you are a parent, you know what I'm talking about) and eye rolls.

So I said something. Loudly. Publicly. At a women's meeting. There was fallout. There were some tears. There was anger - on all sides. There were meetings to follow up and discuss (with snacks - we are Anglican after all). This was the issue I alluded to recently.

Which is really leading into new understanding. Understanding that our culture isn't what it was. That church is not attended out of duty anymore, but out of passion. That when we spend our time hurting those we worship with, we help push that passion out of them. When we don't make church a safe place for us all, we can't worship together, and grow. Grow in faith, understanding, in numbers. That when we work work work as a church, we can't spend time in worship and in ministry. That when we make children be seen and not heard, more often we end up with children who are neither heard nor seen in church - something that many of the people in our church can attest to, as their own children are not church attenders. That when we are so focused on fund raising that we miss out on bible study, fellowship and growth, we are essentially missing the point. We're a hurting church, who has suffered a lot of loss. Instead of holding each other up, we've done too much hurting each other in our own pain. We've been so focused on meeting budgets that we're too work driven, and not Christ-driven - to sound a bit too "church lingo"ish.

This is being rather well received in our church. Surprisingly so. We have a lot of changes to make, and it's going to take some time. This is not going to happen overnight, but we are recognizing that what we're doing isn't working, now or for the long term. That we won't continue to do anything but maintain unless we truly rethink what we are doing here.

I feel rather bold even typing all this out. Like I'm calling our church out. The thing is, this is very much part of the process. We need to recognize the shortcomings if we are going to work towards fixing them. We need to name the illness instead of just worrying about the symptoms. This is something that the hubby and I have been seeing since we arrived here, but it's taken over 3 years of investment and time for us to be able to fully clarify the issues and to identify them, and to be able to speak the truth of them. I think that for a small, rural church it is WAY too easy to get stuck in the mindset of "meet the budget, and do what we think church should be, because that's how we've always done it". Now we're praying that God can transform us, as a congregation, into the church he desires us to be. That we can be healed of all of our hurts (there have been far too many funerals in our congregation lately) and focus on finding our healing and joy in Him.

This could be an interesting journey.

"I wish the world was flat like the old days...

...Then i could travel just by folding a map
No more airplanes, or speed trains, or freeways
There'd be no distance that could hold us back."*

If only! It's way too far between here and there. Oh, for longer visits. More coffee (or tea, depending). More laughs. More conversation. More funny kid antics.

I guess that's the sign of a good visit, it leaves you wanting more.


A visit from the most wonderful friends, those who understand you best. Kids of matching ages (almost exactly), lives that are similar but different, choices made that compliment each other. It all leads into good conversations on the deck in the morning sun, drinking coffee while the kids play. Board games and more conversation after the kids go to sleep. Fun times. We miss you already. I think we owe you the next visit. Let's line up the day timers.

*The New Year, Death Cab for Cutie

ooh! almost forgot!

My new little friends!! My sweet - and little - salt and pepper shaker set! Aren't they darling? I found them at the bookstore, and had to have them. Not a huge splurge at $4. The pair of them fit in the palm of my hand, but just cheer up the table so much.

away from Vancouver

It has been raining for days now. Well, to be honest, it was clear on Wednesday morning. We've been doing Vacation Bible school at Rob's smaller church this week. Not the best church to do that in while it's raining. The lack of a hall (and running water - running across to the Legion to pee in the rain) makes it a bit harder to work with the kids. Overall, though, it was fun.

I just spent the last 2 hours unpacking all the VBS supplies and getting them put away (or sent back to the church) and cleaning the living room while the kids napped/had quiet time in their room. I was getting ready to head out and weed the garden - a task I am sadly behind on. In my defense, its been darn near impossible to weed in the pouring rain. Rob barely got the lawn mowed the other day before it rained on him. My garden beds are in sad shape right now. I look outside, and it's most probably about to storm again. Again.

This is reminding me of one of the many things that made it easier to walk away from Vancouver 3 years ago. Rain. I don't mind a day of rain here and there. I really don't. It's actually fun. Days and days of rain? Not so much. Not that I love snow and -40 days, because to say otherwise would be a lie. At least when it's cold it's sunny. Even on the shortest days of the year this far North, it's still brighter than Vancouver in a March rainy stretch.

I hate the dark, oppressive sky of rainy days. The month around when we planned our move here was one of the wettest on record in Vancouver, and that really helped us make the decision - and the packing easier too. I think I tend towards a bit of SAD, not something easy to cope with in the dark rainy season that is a Vancouver winter. This last week has had me feeling so low, sleepy, cranky and chilly. I don't really adore the cold and snow for months on end (as I've complained about here)....but there is more sun and bright days. For now, that's making here seem more attractive than there.

after a week away

I'm home again. To sum up the last week or so:

What I'm loving
- kids who smell of outdoors, sun, wind, water and sunscreen
- sunny days at spray parks
- iced cappuccinos from Tim Horton's, chemicals and all
- hearing my children laugh with pure delight
- central air conditioning
- Wall-e
- Yam fries and dip from Avocado (great margaritas too!)
- fresh hair cuts on small children, well worth the slightly higher cost when it includes glitter hair gel
- growing good friendships
- dinner and bookstore dates with the hubby
- A generous husband, who chose to turn his annual birthday cheque from Grandma into a bike for his son
- sangria
- party planning
- fantastic thunderstorms that make you jump
- children all dozy and drifty in the van, after a fun afternoon out


What I'm not loving
- slight sunburns
- forgetting extra diapers during Wall-e
- the garlic aftermath of the yam fries and dip (yet still SO worth it)
- central air that fails to work on the hottest day of the week
- the calories of the Tim Horton's iced caps and sangria
- forgetting to renew van insurance. I'm still covered, but need new stickers. Whoops.
- killing yet another bird while driving on the highway. It was cute and little. Until it was smooshed on the grill of the van. Thankfully the hubby took it off for me when he got home.

Ever time I drive by abandoned buildings, I wonder about them. Who lived there, what made them leave. I suspect that this house may still be in use of some sort...but when I pass it I just wonder about it's story, it's history.

Also, given it's very close proximity to the lake, I wonder how often it flooded.

Summer...ahh summer days

I love warm summer days. Especially in the shade, with a cool drink. I also love a good road trip on the perfect sunny day. Like yesterday.

Candice and her girls were actually up in this area (shocking since nobody comes up here). Since she was within a 2 hour drive, we decided to meet up for a picnic and playdate with the kids. It was the perfect day for a drive. Fluffy white clouds, huge blue sky, green everywhere....I must say that living here is really growing on me. It really can be beautiful around here, really.

We "harvested" our first handful of strawberries yesterday from the garden. The grass is so green, the big tree in the yard is giving the patio fabulous shade, the shasta daisies are attempting to take over the back garden bed. Near perfection! I should make some lemonade.

Instead, we're taking off. Heading to my mom's place in the city for a bit. Rob is taking a much needed Study Leave week and we're heading to the land of central air, just in time for what looks like a hot week here. Hoping for a fun week!

The last week here has been busy and fun...and occasionally muddy. Both of my daughters ended up rather muddy during my son's last t-ball game. One actually wiped out in the mud - mud from her toes to her shoulders, thankfully missing her hair! I missed his last game while figuring out how to get her home and clean without making the van a muddy mess pit.

We threw a totally impromptu "welcome summer" party on Saturday, including some great margaritas.

There was a big meeting at church on Wednesday night, and I'm hopeful for good to come from it. The following night, the hubby was at another big church-related meeting, and I'm cautiously excited by what the outcome may be.

Yet, while all this goes on, there is sadness. Sadness I cannot even begin to fathom. A woman I know on my mothering board experienced what could be described as the worst case scenario in birth over the last week. My heart just breaks for Amy and her family, and grieves the loss of little River.

Hold your little ones tighter tonight. I know I have.

How to know you live up North

11:18 pm last night. still not dark. Must be June.

June

where the heck did May go? Really - have you seen it?

Garden is planted.
Soccer is being played.
T-ball is being played.
Summer wardrobes are in dressers (ha! at least what I have of one. The kids have plenty)
Landscaping to recover from big dig out of '05 is done (yay! after a year of mud, and a year of settle, it's nice to have the front yard be less of an eyesore...aside from the dandelions)
Kids are growing.
Sun is up early, and retires late. It's finally warm and beautiful.
Summer is almost here.
Daughters have discovered show tunes. Mom is tired of My Fair Lady songs.
Mosquitoes are out in packs, I am itchy.
BBQ is in full use.

On a sadder note, please pray for a family from our town. If you haven't seen the post on my other blog, this is the story as I know it so far.

Crap

Today is not a stellar day. Today, I managed to really muck some things up. I'm assured by at least two people (one who was there, one who is married to me) that it's not quite as bad as I think...but I don't fully believe them. This was stupid, headstrong and foolish. I really hope I'm not right about long term damage, because this could be a big, big mess up if I am right.

As it is, I don't feel I have anything to apologize for, but I am embarrassed at how things went down. I really hope that this doesn't brand me as some crazy, impulsive preacher's wife.

blah

hm

There is a phone call I could make, maybe it's a should, maybe not. I'm not sure I want to though.

I've been really bad about phone calls lately. I just realized the other day that I missed calling on a friend's birthday because I wrote down the WRONG MONTH on the calendar. oops. I'm slow to return calls, I'm even slower to initiate calls too. Life is flying by these days, and the pace I'm running at isn't helping.

Back to the phone call though. I'm not really sure what to say. Maybe I just need a nudge or something.

rabid squirrels and suicidal birds

I got home on Sunday from a trip to camp. I was running the Counselor Training weekend (which went very well, I think. At least the evaluation forms the kids filled out indicated they enjoyed it). Rob was busy with work stuff this weekend, so my mom came up with me to be child care. What better way to spend the May long weekend.

Well, did I ever get freaked out. There was a doctor there who asked to share some things with the teens about potential health issues that could arise. You know, things like leeches, ticks, mouse pee, tetanus and rabies. Yes, rabies. Not from bats, mind you, but squirrels and raccoons. I've yet to even see a raccoon since moving away from Vancouver, but I have seen squirrels. Note to self: they may look cute and cuddly, but they are a nasty vermin that could attack at any time. Don't check for foaming at the mouth, just walk away when you see one. You've been warned.

Lucky me had a series of back muscle spasms while I was up at camp - the last time that happened was at Permie training weekend the year oldest kid was a newborn. Fun times...ouch! I'm still hurting from it too, and hoping it feels better soon.

I gave one of the teens a ride home. She lives in our town, and has been affiliated with our church in the past. Really nice girl. We were having a lovely chat about the pros of vegetarian diets, and the evils of commercial farming when we were attacked by the suicidal bird. Ok, perhaps attacked is a strong word. There was a bird, I think it was some kind of duck on the highway. It saw the van, started flapping it's wings and ran right into us. I really did try to avoid hitting it, but it still managed to get itself smoshed under the front wheels of the van. Icky, and somewhat ironic. Thememory of the sound of the bird hitting the van still gives me the shivers.

painted into a corner

We had a basement leak last week. On the boy's birthday eve to be precise. Somewhere between 4 and 6 pm, our sump pump stopped sumping, or pumping, or whatever it does. It was icky, and brought me back very vivid flashbacks to 2005.

Anyhow, it wasn't much water, nothing damaged, all is well. As part of the clean up, we rented a steam cleaner for the downstairs carpets. While we had the cleaner (which was mostly the hubby's idea to do that day, yet I did all the steaming and cleaning - go figure), I thought it might be good to do the couches too.

Never to be one to do something halfway, I steamed and cleaned like mad. I worked my way through our couches, and just kept going.

It was about half way through the basement carpets that I realized that I had just steam cleaned every seat in the house. All of our upholstered dining chairs, all the furniture, everything. Good timing on our part that the church beef supper was the same night, or we would have been picnicking in the (windy) yard.

Some days, my sheer blondness astounds me.

she will be the death of me

Middle child is going to do me in. Seriously.

Went to a birthday party at the pool today. All three kids, along with the hubby. We swam and splashed and had fun. Then, the hubby decided to take the boy out to the deeper water for a bit to swim out there. All good. Until middle child got out of the toddler section of the pool. She walked around the deck and *jumped in the other part of the pool*. You know, where it's a meter deep? And she's only a couple of inches taller than a meter. (yes, I'm aware that I'm switching between metric and imperial measurement here) It all happened in slow motion, I had to run through the water, leaving the little one behind, to get DH to pull that girl out of the water. She has no fear, and that's both fun and scary.

The hubby said to me today "you know, we will never have to be telling that child that just because all her friends are bungee jumping doesn't mean she has to. Odds are, she will be the first one off the cliff". It's true.

It was great to see some other moms (and kids too!) I haven't seen in a while. Fun party, once my heart started beating again.

Spring

Spring hovers in the air, inching it's way forward each day. Step by step. Every morning a touch warmer, every day the snow retreating backwards, exposing the muddy earth beneath. There is optimism in Spring, hints at new life. As the ground awakens from it's 6 months of snowy cover, there are new smells in the air. Fresh sounds on the streets. The snowmobiles go into storage, and the motorcycles come out to play. Evenings stretch out longer, mornings begin earlier. The sun rise moves from it's mid-December 9:30 am to a much more pleasant 6:30 arrival.

Spring brings mud. In the van, in the front door, on the boots. The low spot in the yard is right under the swing set, where small children like to jump, splash and sit. Boots fill up with water and sand, splash pants become necessary, snow suits go into hiding for another year. There is optimism in the air as heavy winter gear moves to the basement. As the birds make their return Northward. As we ponder the wondrous idea that we may be seeing the last of Winter, finally.

Hallelujah!

potential problem

My kids have a current favorite author. Mo Willems. His "Pigeon" is one of the funniest characters going. They quote lines from "The Pigeon Finds a Hot Dog" at the dinner table. They have turned a small stuffed bunny into their Knuffle Bunny. Trixie is a child they can empathize with. They find Reginald Von HoobieDoobie to be a sad figure, until his eventual redemption. 80% of us even have t-shirts featuring characters (can you guess which ones, and who has them?)

The thing is, Pigeon has a new book out. Released on April 1. I'd love to get my hands on it...however, there is a potential issue here.

The Pigeon Wants a Puppy.

Guess what?

So does my middle child.

Would I be able to resist? I have always maintained that there will be no dogs in this house until all the children are housebroken (preferably before the house gets broken *wink*) That day will soon be here, and I need a new reason not to get a dog. I like dogs, I just don't want one right now.

stoopit gas

Gas prices are just getting so high. Blah.

Dumb Toronto, paying less than us.

I'm now cranky with Toronto.

Like I needed another reason to dislike Toronto.

Besides, their dumb hockey team isn't even grammatically correct. The Maple Leafs. Come ON.

Why?

why are kids so loud when you want to talk on the phone?
why does my kitchen get so messy when I'm still "cleaning as I go"?
why do I wake up 20 minutes before my alarm when I really want to milk every precious minute of sleep?
why is it still snowing?

and to throw another couple of questions into the mix
when should I wash my van? it's dirty, but I don't want to wash it to get it all muddy again
what should I do with my hair? it's time for a cut, past time for a cut actually.

I pay for this?

This is Jesse. The trainer. In his Christmas gift from Melissa and I. You call yourself the Pain Fariy, even once, and you are just asking for a costume.


He's back in my life again. He was out of the country for almost 2 months, but he's back. I'm sore. He was making us do something on Thursday morning that I'm still feeling today. Told me I could do it. Called me a whiner. I was just tempted to whack him on the head with the pair of 12 pound weights.

I didn't. Such restraint.

pondering

Summer vacation time is still months away, but we're pondering our options.

It sounds as though we are going to have friends from the East out in July. I can't wait for that, haven't seen them in 3 years. Their two younger girls are our Goddaughters, and we've never even met the youngest! Last time we saw them, I was expecting R and not even showing yet.

Camp is an option, depending on dates. Although the week I'd really like to do is probably when we'd be away, if we go.

Perhaps some time at the lake, if the timing lines up. Camping out at the cabin would be so much fun.

Vacation Bible school could happen too.

Our big discussion is about going to Vancouver. I'm kind of torn. I'd love to really get out of town for a while, for more than just going to my moms. I'd love to see some people out West. I'd love to build in a mini-trip to Seattle too, and I know at least two people down there would love to meet up. The kids would love to see all of their cousins again, and there is extended family to visit, and a new cousin to meet (my cousin's second child).

On the other hand, I'll pretty much have to sacrifice my garden if we go. I can plant pumpkins and sunflowers, and maybe peppers and hope for no frost before we get home. Maybe carrots too. NO zucchini, unless we plant and use them up before we go. I do not want to come home to a 100lb zuke. No way. I also like the comfort of home. For as long as we would go out West, it's a long time away. Not to even start in on the price of gas, and how much it would cost to take a family of 5 out to fun places like the Aquarium or Science World.

hmm, so much to think about. any suggestions?

ups and downs

Ups

- new beds for the girls, and picked up in the city by a friend, so no travel involved!

- my mom up to visit here

- my mom taking N back to her place for 2 days, and that N missed us

- days where the temperature hovers around freezing, bringing the sound of dripping water, hinting at spring

- kids able to play outside for a good stretch of time

- getting the girl's room nearly finished

- easy naps for R in the new bed

Downs

- I being upset that it wasn't his turn to go to Nanny's for a couple of days. His tear-filled eyes were heartbreaking

- new beds not quite fitting in the bedroom as anticipated. a 9 x 11 room is tight for two.

- not being able to find a good shelf for the girl's room, anywhere in town

- knowing that Rob will be super busy and out and about this week

- easy naps in the new bed were just a phase until big sister came home - like I didn't see that one coming.

- the handle of one of my pots breaking off. 10 year warranty, this is year 11.5.

- knowing that these warm temperatures are just a tease, and spring is still too far away

I'm currently reading this book on modern motherhood. I'm really, really enjoying it. A lot.


So many great thoughts about mommy guilt, stress, expectations, judgment....can't even sum them all up. This book has really generated a lot of thoughts in my head.

I really believe that motherhood is such an important job, yet we receive so little training for it. There are no licenses to apply for, no tests to take, no demerit points handed out, it just happens. Nobody prepares you for how draining it can be, how challenging, how stressful...or how lonely it is.

I've really found the whole mommy thing isolating, overall. Timing is often everything. Rob and I were in a time of transition in many ways when we were pregnant with our first. There were disruptions, moves (even in the same city, but into different neighborhoods), the fact that my only established friend who was also in the "baby zone" at the same time as me moved out of the area. It all compounded. Previous friends weren't on the mommy track at that time with me, and, well, our lives changed a lot after the boy was born. I didn't know how to reach out or ask for help, support and love, and really really could have used some.

Then the whirlwind of the 3 years from the arrival of daughter #1, large move, followed by pregnancy with daughter #2, and the blur of the first year or so with three children. Days I'm in no rush to repeat. At all. Hard days. Torn between wanting to establish myself here, and trying (and mainly failing) to make friends in a new town, and missing what was "home". Yet really failing at being able to maintain things there too. Which isn't fully all my fault either. Some days, I really wonder where I went wrong.

However, I know that I'm doing ok. I'm mostly a pretty good mom. I have it together more often than I don't...I think. (then again, simply by typing that sentence, I've pretty much guaranteed myself a crappy day tomorrow*wink* ) I love my kids, love them so much it hurts sometimes. Want to do the best for them, and be the mom they need and deserve. It's just so hard to cut yourself some "mommy slack" some days. It's just so hard being the mom some days - there is pressure to get it right, to do the right thing, to not mess them up so badly they will spend a fortune on therapy. It's a heavy burden, and we shouldn't try to carry it alone.

So how do you set up a mommy support? I've got a couple of long distance phone call friends, some on-line friends, some who fall into both categories, and I'm working on establishing some real life friendships too. It's just so hard to find the "right" people to feel comfortable and safe enough with to be vulnerable with. So hard.

tagged!

From Emily's blog

The Rules:-

Pick up the nearest book of 123 pages or more. (No cheating!)

Find Page 123.

Find the first 5 sentences.

Post the next 3 sentences.

Tag 5 people.

"I was nervous at first but it worked like a dream. I kept my part of the bargain: I stayed out of his way and was very polite to him when I was in his company. Mum asked me, did I like him and I opened my eyes very wide, which is a good thing to do if you're telling something not exactly true, and I said I thought Kent was just find and Mum said I was a good son, a very good son indeed, and her eyes got watery so I took myself off."

From Maeve Binchy's Whitethorn Woods

I tag : Billie, Bonnie, Magan, Monika and Teri

in case anyone needs a brush-up on babies

if you need a refresher course on baby care, please check this link out.

you may learn something important.

or you may laugh really hard.

perhaps both.

winter blahs

I am SO over winter right now. It's been so cold lately, and when it was less cold, we were all sick. I haven't had the kids out to play in the yard in forever. Makes me feel like a bad mom.

This is our third winter here, second full one. I'm really glad it's sunny today, because I'm done with the gray and dreary days. Easter is in two months, and there will most probably be snow. Who sings "I'm dreaming of a white Easter"? Nobody, that's who. I can't picture at least two more months of snow, maybe 3, depending on how well it melts.

I understand why people run off to tropical places. My friend Jen was talking the other day about how she wishes she was back in Jamaica...and I almost, for a second, felt sorry for her. Which I told her, and then we laughed. I don't know, is it better to go somewhere south, warm and sunny to come home to winter...or not to go and to never have your system totally shocked by boarding a plane in hot temperatures, and arriving to a deep freeze? Maybe I'll have to try the tropical vacation to compare...

Too bad my husband went into a career that is not known for it's high wages. On the other hand, he made the front page of one of the local weekly papers yesterday. It's a picture of him using my hairdryer to melt the lock of the church door. My hair dryer is almost famous!

what's in a name?

I was listening to CBC radio yesterday morning while doing the breakfast thing. On the Sunday Edition, there was a conversation about women's names. About taking husbands names, or keeping maiden names. That there has been a large return in the USA to women taking their husbands names at marriage. Something like 90% of women marrying recently will take their husband's name.

I took my husband's name. I liked my maiden name, it was easy to spell, easy to say, and neither too common or unusual. I used it for work purposes, it was part of my identity. I also had no issue with taking Rob's last name. Equally easy to say and spell, if with one more syllable than my maiden name. If our last names together didn't sound so silly, I may have hyphenated, maybe not. I mainly took his name, not just out of tradition, but because I wanted it to be easy for identification of the relationship between us and our future (at that point) children. For us all to have a common last name.

There are women out there who believe that taking your husband's last name is a slap in the face to feminism, yadda, yadda. That women need to step out of the system that keeps them labeled at their husband's property.

I don't buy that. After all, isn't our "unmarried name" just showing that we belong to our father? I smell a bit of irony.

very interesting food for thought

on benign neglect of children

I fully think this justifies me drinking coffee and flipping through a magazine in the morning while my kids run up and down the hall playing monster and dress up.

bummer

I was at my mom's this weekend, got the boy and I looked at by a doc - we're both fine and on the mend. went to church with my mom, and got to sit through an entire service. the kids went to the Sunday school, and did great. I finally got to sit and hear a sermon without handing out sippy cups, keeping a squirmy toddler from swinging on the pew in front of us, or teaching Sunday school. Great, right? no. mom's priest is not a great preacher. He didn't reference the bible lesson at all, and I'm still not quite sure what his point was. Maybe I should get Rob's sermon notes from yesterday instead.

blah

influenza is a nasty thing. let's just say that 2008 hasn't been a great year so far, courtesy of said illness in this house.

Happy New Year!

Just for a New Year's laugh (at me), here's a rundown of my Christmas Eve, after having egg nog bread pudding and wine at J's house.

goodness.

DH left at 6 to make sure our church was ready to go for our 7pm service. I was "hair done, make up on, just not dressed" at that point. The kids were still finishing up supper.

So I get the kids dressed. Ruby is struggling to poop (ongoing issue), so I need to give her a little helper (suppository...nice....). While I'm doing that, my dad phones long distance and is chatty. I'm trying to multi-task, it's all good. Then Ruby poops. Oh my. that's all I will say about that, except that I accidentally flush the toilet when she wants to do it. whoops.

Then we are just about ready to head out the door. I realize I'm still in my yoga pants and tank top. I run into my room, throw on my jeans and my nice shirt. Good to go. Remote start the van, take the kids out (and it's *just* below freezing -yay! finally warm!), get them into the van with minimal issue. Except that my pants are feeling funny. I put on the too big jeans. So I run back into the house and grab my belt, and put it on as I'm walking back outside. Then I realize that my belt is too big, so back inside to jab a new belt hole.

We get to church, that's all good. Kids are wound up, lots of fun. They handle the service well - including Ruby actually yelling "baby Jesus" and holding up the baby Jesus from our pageant yesterday when he's talking about her stealing the baby Jesus at the end of yesterday's pageant. Oh ya, that's *during* the sermon. After the sermon (which we do in near darkness), we light candles and sing Silent Night. Guess whose daughters manage to drip wax on her, from both sides.

Then, Norah decides she needs to use the washroom. Apparently, I'm not allowed in to help her. UNTIL she's stuck on the toilet and can't reach the paper. After pooping. Did I neglect to mention she had locked the stall door? Guess who got to slither under the stall door.

So now I'm home, all is well. I took the kids driving to look at lights and wind down. Then we got home and all into bed.

Then I got to plunge the toilet (see earlier pooping incident).

Merry Christmas - can only go up from here, right???

Best one yet

Christmas, that is.

Really, this was just a wonderful Christmas. Aside from a Christmas Eve crazy couple of hours (to come later), this was one of the nicest ones in my memory.

Kids went to bed and sleep well, and had to be woken up in the morning - gotta be at church by 10, so have to get moving! Rob got home safely from his second service at the smaller town church, despite snow and bad roads. I "Santa'ed" up the house before he got home, and we got to sit and enjoy a glass of wine when he got back.

Christmas morning wasn't a huge present overload (yay for family sending money, not lots of gifts!). The kids were all excited by what they did get. I was pleasantly suprised by Rob's gift to me (my own ipod!), and managed to suprise him a big - which is hard given the book list he gives me. Then we went to church, then home for lunch, then into the van to go to my mom's. Our only issues were the wrecked wiper blade on the driver's side of the van (slushy roads - ick!), and needing to find a place for a bathroom stop at the halfway point of the trip.

Arrived at my mom's to a ready turkey dinner - yay! - and a few more gifts. My mom was thrilled with the vintage tin I found her, the kids loved what she had for them...and I got to give Rob our big suprise gift. A Wii! Somehow, my mom managed to track us down one in the city and buy it on my behalf. I'm shocked I kept quiet about it to Rob! My family tradition is to play a boardgame on Christmas night, after gifts and dinner. Last night, mom, Rob and I Wii'ed. How fun!

All in all, this was a great Christmas for other reasons too. Like homemade Christmas gifts that really went over well. Feeling that there was nothing we really 'needed' as gifts is a great feeling too. The real icing on the cake was getting an early birthday present from a couple of friends...and really realizing that there are friends here who *know* me, and care enough about me to get to know me and my likes and dislikes. That was beautiful and humbling, and I cried (and made them cry too). Now to make more friends like that would really be a fantastic Christmas and New Year blessing. *heart*

Come for a visit

If you can't make it out here for Christmas, I can at least show you around a bit. ;)


Just across from the front door is our card display. I made it in a (brief) flutter of craftiness.



This is also crafty, but I bought it. I just thought it was cute.



Our garland and tree. You probably can't tell, but the lights on the tree are white, and red on the garland. If you were here, I'd invite you sit down and I'd bring out snacks and a nice drink.



I like this touch - little wreaths around our dining room lights.


Merry Christmas from our family to yours! Wish you were here...or we were there (especially if it's warmer than here!)

Christmas themed links

for your enjoyment.

http://www.goingjesus.com/cavalcade/
http://www.goingjesus.com/cavalcade.shtml (these are two different displays, and both worth the look)
http://tackychristmasyards.com/

Take the Quiz here!

the good and the bad

Good:
I delivered two gifts today. One was handmade by me, the other a collaborative effort with my friend M. Both were very, very well received. Yay!

Bad:
picked up some vitamins and omega 3 capsules to help me deal with some 'gosh it's stupid dark and icky' winter stuff. That is fine. Just a warning though, if you take omega 3's that are fish oil based - if your coffee makes you burp at all, it WILL taste like salmon. ick.

one step forward...

and two back.

I guess that's typical, right?

sigh.

I hate winter, darkness, feeling just depressed enough to notice, but not depressed enough to do something about it. Feeling like I can't work the friendship gig, that I can't do the pastor's wife thing, the mom thing. That I'm a constant screw up across the board. Oh, and people sure do love to kick you when you are down, don't they? "oh here, let me point out your shortcomings, shall I?" "why didn't you do x?" Where is the support? The caring? The grace? I sure can't find it. I think I may be close to getting something right....but nope, I'm generally wrong. At least I'm consistent there.

Hey, isolation, meet your friend, Kristin. You'll get along great, really.

I nearly peed my pants

http://www.goingjesus.com/cavalcade.shtml

just go and read. but hit the bathroom first. really.

see thtat beautiful sunrise?

I took this photo this morning.

At 9:35 am.

I live way too far north.

I often feel stupid and numb. Sometimes at the same time. I wonder if my words, my actions have meaning. If what I say or do has resonance anywhere. If what I try to accomplish is doing anything. If I should love more and be less self aware, or be more self possessed and love more cautiously. If I even have the capacity to love more. Fog settles in to the brain too quickly.

I want to ponder deeper things, to yearn for depth in life, in relationship, in discussion. To hash out issues that trouble the soul (preferably over a glass....bottle of wine or coffee). I think that is my biggest struggle lately, the feeling of being so terribly shallow, and trying to remember how to swim in the deep end.

I need to swim in the deep end. Anyone want to come with me?

D

D is for Dye.

Hair dye. I dyed my hair this week. Nothing exciting or new about that - I've been dying my hair for ever. Well, at least for...gosh almost 20 years now! Once it was for fun, now it's to hide the hints of gray that poke their way out and annoy me.

Picking the box of hair dye brought back memories. Of young girl giggles, a pair of barely teenaged girls, thinking we were up to trouble by lacing our hair with colour. Rinsing out auburn dye and hoping it didn't stain the bathtub or towels, too nervous to pull the towels off to see the results, but too excited not to. Wanting to make a statement, but yet not to be noticed. Good times.

Which makes me wonder what would have been different, how the twists in the road may have looked if relationships hadn't changed. evolved. ended. Would friendships that formed over giggles and 'minor offenses' have been different, if one party hadn't moved, if contact had been better maintained? Some days I wonder. I really wonder. Makes me wonder if someone could be missing me, or relationship we once had.

C is for

Coffee. 'nuff said.


Children - I'm happy with 3, thankyouverymuch. I love having three children, and they are the greatest blessing, it's just not always a cup of tea to be outnumbered.

Church - lots of meanings here. The physical church building, the church body of believers, the bigger church. I'm talking about the body of believers in our church. I'm really really starting to like some of them a lot, and some days I feel really blessed to be able to be a part of their lives. Some of them, well, they require extra grace. A lot of extra grace. *wink*

B

B is for Blogging

Something I do. *grin* Although, some days I'm not entirely sure why. Not sure what my "voice" is trying to say. I've been at this almost 3 years now, and I started this blog to journal our move, and to keep in touch. 3 years...wow. A lot changes in 3 years.

I guess I blog so that it feels like the words I say go further than the walls of our house. That the thinks I think may have some meaning. It's not always been a smooth blogging experience, but I guess that's part of the trip, right?

B is for busting out of town.

what I did on Thursday. I'm home now. Went to my meeting, did some shopping, drank some coffee. I like the freedom of going out and the anonymity of the city. Sometimes it's really nice to just be a face in the crowd.

he loves me

It's currently -30 something with the wind chill. My van seems to be dead (stoopit thing), probably because we didn't plug it in. Rob is out there right now jump starting it so I can drive to my mom's with the kids this afternoon. That's love.

Not sure if I'd do the same for him - it's really cold out there ya'll!

ABC's

Decided to go on a bit of a blogging ABC kick. Starting today. With A.


A is for Anger

I don't like getting angry, yet I do it. My kids make me angry, I just want them to do what I want them to do, when I want them to do it. Not always realistic, but it still frustrates me and gets me angry some days. Stupid drivers make me angry. We have all these uncontrolled intersections in town, and the rule is, first there, first goes. If two cars get there at the same time, yield to the one on the right. That NEVER happens. Either someone assumes the right of way when it's not theirs, or someone sits there, and sits and waves you through. Ever since my car accident, I'm terribly wary of being waved through an intersection. I get angry because, well, just follow the rules already! Then again, am I really angry, or just really agitated? Could be just agitated. But Angry sounds more exciting.

A is for Anal

as my previous paragraph shows, apparently, I am anal about some things. blah. Although, I have been called anal about things in a good way...there is a good way, right?

look what I did!

For our entrance - I stained this pine bench. Although, I wish we had bought it earlier, because staining things in the garage when it's below freezing isn't something I'm in a huge rush to do again.

It needs a bit of touch up work, but it holds at least 4 snowsuits and accessories to help corral the clutter in the front entrance/living room!

something crafty

The kids and I went to a birthday party today for my friend B's son. As we're close to Christmas, I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to bring a toy for a gift, and our book selections in town are, well, lacking, I thought I would get a little crafty.

A hand-painted sign on canvas was the result. I'm no artist, but I think it turned out ok.

It was a full day today, between the birthday party, kids swimming lessons and the local craft fair. I went to the craft fair and managed to find a couple of things I liked...for me... However, there were some things that I would love to have for myself that weren't there. Got me thinking of some crafty ideas to build on. hmmm.....
if only I could sew...

I'm generally not a knick-knack kind of girl. I don't really maintain much in the way of collections, possibly because I don't care for dusting. However, while on my little shopping excursion with Janice the other day, I found this.



Isn't it just darling? I just loved it, so I bought it. It was crazy cheap too. It reminded me somewhat of the church of my young childhood, St. John's...which is now the town museum. White and black with the front entrance/narthex set out from the building.

washing my hands

yep. washing my hands of a few thing. it's good to do. but it still hurts.

Loving

- snow tires on van
- a last minute shopping outing with a friend
- finding fun things on said shopping trip - things that cover up the icky 'used to be a clock holder, but is now just useless and ugly' spot on my kitchen cupboards. Things like a neat Christmas present for my mom













-snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes (or on the hood of a jacket)
















Not Loving

- the irony of getting stuck in a snowbank after getting snow tires on the van
- more kid injuries in home
- having to wait 3 days for a minor dental emergency for my child
- finding the cutest little antique cupboard, and nowhere to put it
- thinking that one child's cough is sounding too asthmatic for comfort
- feeling like I'm not all together, physically or mentally.
- that Jesse (trainer) is going to be away for 3 weeks
- trying to figure out how to really do the friendship thing all over again. tying that in with my innate insecurity, it's not a great combo

blah, blah, blah

What I'm loving
- looking at snow

- day out to city for camp AGM without kids

- long distance phone calls from people who love me

- playdates

- playdates for mom to go to, after bedtime for children

- giggling and good conversation at said playdates

- picking myself a new pair of 'pretty' winter boots

- starting Christmas baking

- potty trained children

What I'm not loving

- snow still falling, without snow tires on van yet

- having to shelve much anticipated travel plans for a variety of reasons (pout pout)

- our bathroom looking like a scene out of Psycho this week, as two children have bathtub related injuries

- persistent health issues, without good explanation or doctor support to help solve

- working hard, but no results.

- not feeling the love

- feeling cranky about these things

just a few things I've heard people say lately that make me pause.

- "I get the flu shot every year. I used to get a couple of bad colds every winter, but I don't after getting the flu shot". last time I checked, the flu shot doesn't protect against the common cold, either you had a mild flu that you didn't get, you 'got lucky', or you probably worked harder at hand washing, which is really your best line of defense against getting anything.

- "my child is constipated, and has been since they started rice cereal, do you think it could be related?" "yes, it could be, it's so full of iron and no fiber, maybe try cutting it out and see if it gets better" "but I can't cut it out, she needs to eat it or she won't sleep at night!" cereal = sleep has been disproved, and rice cereal has very little nutritional benefit and IS constipating for many little ones. better to go with some fruit or veggies, like avocado or peaches.

- "my son is only 10 months, but his legs look so squished up rear-facing in his car seat. I think I should turn him around" as I told this mom, no matter how squished his legs look, little ones are much more bendy than adults are. What would cramp up our legs isn't quite the same to a baby. He's safer rear facing until at LEAST one year AND 20 pounds AND able to pull up to a stand on his own. Even if his legs were folded right up, he'd be safer in a collision rear facing, even if his leg broke - a broken leg is easier to fix than a spinal or brain injury.

- "my granddaughter always wanted to be a princess for halloween, but she has red hair, so she couldn't wear a pink dress" um, what? poor kid!

mommy hats and art

Last night, there was an arts evening here in town. Free admission, wine and cheese, and local artists displaying their artwork. It was a wonderful evening to go out to.

I know that I've been feeling really inspired lately to do something artistic. Photography, painting, I don't quite know what. I'm just feeling a need to express myself more creatively. Seeing the art last night was inspiring, and encouraging to me to nurture that creative spark within. The question is more how, though.

I had a couple of great conversations there too. About random things, pretty paintings, if the woman who did the beautiful stained glass would notice if we stole it (kidding, kidding). I ran into a woman that I'm developing a friendship with (J), and we had a really lovely talk. Beyond basic things like what our kids were doing, and mom stuff, but about bigger things. Like how it's so easy to "wear hats". The hat of being my kids mom, of being my husband's wife. How easy it is to become known as who part of who we are related to as opposed to who we are. The expectations placed on us by being someone's wife - especially when one's husband works in an area where *your* knowledge is assumed to exist because of *his* work, something both J and I deal with as pastor and farmer wives. The strangeness of not really feeling like your personality, your choices are fully your own as a stay at home mom. The struggle to remember what else defined you before children.

Through that discussion, it was so very nice to know that I'm not the only woman struggling with the same concerns. I'm not the only mom who wonders where *she* went some days. I'm not the only mom who sometimes realizes that days have gone by without much meaningful adult conversation. I'm not the only woman who wants to be known for who she is instead of who she is connected to.

It's not that I don't want to be Rob's wife, or the kids' mom. I want to be Kristin. Kristin who is the wife and mother...but is also the woman. I'm more than the sum of the 'family parts' around me, even on days it doesn't feel like it. To a certain extent, I know I can't escape it, but I don't have to define myself that way either. My brain hasn't atrophied since giving birth, even if it's harder to express a coherent thought some days. Yes, parenting and it's choices are a bit thing I think and talk about - can't avoid it, as it is a large part of my daily life, but it's not the only thing I think about.

I just really enjoyed fleshing some of that out with another mom who is in the same place, we walk in similar shoes...or would that be drive similar vans?

Maybe I just need to pull out my paints and let my mind wander.

waiting

I'm now in waiting mode. Saw the doc today. He affirmed that my thyroid sounded nutty, so wrote up the blood work req. Then we chatted about my knee. I showed him where it hurt, and what aggravated it. He poked and wiggled, pressed and bent and sent me for x-rays. He said it sounded like a bone issue as opposed to muscle. Ick.

Then I headed off the hospital for the lab work. I've never been in and out of an appointment quite so fast before! They are so good at the hospital lab, really, the woman who does the blood work is so great, I don't even feel it. The x-ray guy was really nice too.

Now I wait, and hope that something turns up abnormal, not because I want things to be wrong, but it would at least explain things better.

frustration

I posted earlier about my trainer. I'm seeing him 3 times a week, and he kicks my behind every time.

I'm also going to aquafit at the local pool, also three times a week.

I also am doing exercise videos at home.

I'm eating pretty much weight watchers style, with a few blips here and there (like Mike's wedding...hello dessert table! It was good that we walked by that table to get to the buffet, guess who had salad for dinner?)

But the weight is barely budging. To the point that I'm getting very frustrated. I know that it takes a body time to lose weight, blah, blah, blah. But really, if you saw how hard I was working, how much effort I'm putting in, you would understand why I'm frustrated.

I'm going to be getting my thyroid tested this week. I have enough other things pointing to it being out of whack, but this weight stall is a huge sign. My body dropped 10 pounds over 10 weeks, but is holding on so tightly to every pound right now, it's ridiculous. Maddening. Not to mention depressing and sad-making.

It's enough to drive a girl to cheesecake.

been some time

It's been a while since I've posted. Life goes by quickly these days.

We had a road trip to BC for Mike and Maritza's wedding. We only took R with us, and the other two stayed with my mom at our house. It was a great trip. Catching up with old friends, making new ones, getting to finally see Mike get married. It's been a long time since he was best man at our wedding, and Rob finally got to return the favor. Great time, for sure. Good to be home though, missed the older kids, and was glad to sleep in my own bed again.

I've got a lot of things going on in my head, and lots of blog post ideas, but nothing seems to get out of my head and out of my fingers these days. Not always a bad thing.

so, I should just come out with it

I'm seeing someone. His name is Jesse.

3 times a week, we have a standing date. He is a bit mean though, and he often makes me do things I would rather not do. He pushes me too. I'm learning to like it. It also gets pretty hot.

Oh, gosh people. He's my trainer!

Yes, I'm seeing a personal trainer. My friend Melissa and I are seeing Jesse for a workout 3 times a week. He's tough, but it's a great workout. He's martial arts-based, so we do lots of kicking an punching, as well as strength training (insert "Everybody was Kung-Fu fighting" here) I've been keeping this pretty much on the down-low for the last month, but I'm really enjoying it. Also, now Melissa's brother and his buddy are joining our class, which keeps costs lower for us all. They started tonight. I am really pleased to say that I managed to totally kick their behinds. Not bad for a woman 10 years older than they are! That made my night.

ideas percolating

Norah's 3rd birthday party was today. It was wonderful, busy, loud and sugary. All things that a 3 year old's birthday party should be.

Today, at her party, I received some outside confirmation/affirmation on some ideas that have been percolating in my head for a while now. Ideas that my friend Melissa and I have been playing with. I think this may have been a sign of steps that should be taken, to actually put some thoughts to action, to be bold and move forward.

It's exciting.

Stay tuned for future development....

timing and provision

We've been trying to really bang out a budget here. On paper, we shouldn't be having money be as tight as it's been. We shouldn't be as behind as we were getting. Then I crunched the numbers, are realized that with two parties in three months earlier this year, plus other 'fun' things like meals out on trips to the city (and, ahem, alcohol consumption up significantly with the summer heat), we were spending 3 times what we thought we were on food and drink. 3 times. Let that sink in a bit.

As a result of that shocking discovery for May and July (June wasn't that bad, nor was August), we are making cutbacks and tightening the financial control a bit.

We've been coasting along since then, and doing alright. Still feeling the pinch, especially with Norah's birthday and party this weekend.

Then I got the mail on Friday. Apparently, we picked up a photo-generated ticket while visiting my mom last month. And by "we", it was actually Rob. He didn't come to a 'complete, total stop' while at a red light, and we got dinged. Apparently, it's an intersection where the city is 'making a killing', and he did stop, just not long enough. BAH. It's a BIG ticket. A ticket that had us thinking we were going to be putting the groceries on the credit card for this half of the month. I was cranky about it, as was Rob - who was also rather sheepish about the mistake.

Well, imagine our surprise yesterday. Someone stopped by yesterday to drop off some cards for Rob and the church, thank yous for the funeral that was done this weekend. Inside the card for Rob was a (very unexpected) cheque. For the amount of the ticket, PLUS the new PS2 Hockey game that Rob was wanting. *as an aside, Rob buys one PS2 game a year, and this is the one, so it's hardly an addiction or expensive hobby*. Wow.

Thanks, God, for your provision when we were just starting to worry. The game was just a bonus. :)

GAH!

Know what makes me CRAZY???

when you bake/cook something, have it be a huge hit, decide to make it again....and can't find the recipe!

anyone know where my banana muffin recipe is? anyone?

adventures in gardening

there has been an on-again, off-again frost warning hovering around town lately. I took that as my sign that summer was over, and it was time to "harvest the garden".

Note to self: next summer, less tomato plants, spaced further apart. Buy the tomato staking cages *when you see them*, don't wait until later, when you can't find them and try bamboo stakes instead, which don't hold up to a couple of seriously windy days/storms and blow over, making your tomatoes turn into a matted mess of vines all over the ground.

After picking up the boy from school, the kids and I all headed out to the yard to pick vegetables/ride bikes/fight/throw sand/annoy mom. I should have remembered that I still need mosquito spray, even if it's getting cold, so I don't die from West Nile Virus (roll eyes, but I still got bit) My tomatoes were everywhere, and were a total mess. A very productive mess, but still a mess. I had to really work hard at pulling the (still very green) tomatoes off the vines, while weeding out the ones that were icky because of the vines sitting on the ground. I was filling up my large bowls at a speed that I didn't quite believe. All while trying to remind the girls that I was not in swing pushing mode, that they would have to wait until dad finished mowing the front lawn.

Tomatoes everywhere. Tomatoes beyond my wildest dreams. Tomatoes that should ripen, eventually...I hope. Lots still in the garden too - the icky ones.

I picked the peppers. My yellow peppers were much bigger than the red peppers. However, colour is a moot point, as August wasn't warm enough for them to change colour anyhow, and they are all still very green. I don't think they will change colour, like the tomatoes will. Lots of peppers, so that was exciting.

My zucchini plants seem to have tapered off...I think. That's taken care of. The last honeydew was picked. It was small, but I picked it anyhow, didn't want the frost to steal it away.

note to self: less zucchini plants next year, and don't forget to pick zukes before going away for a week - 5+ pound zukes aren't as nice to eat. Also, don't plant zukes too close to pumpkins.

Then it came time for the pumpkins.

What can I say? The zucchini plants are aggressive and took over a lot of the garden. The pumpkin plants tried to hold their own, weaving around the bases of the sunflowers, but ultimately retreated. Under the fence. There were at least 2 pumpkins on the other side of the fence. Unfortunately, the neighbors behind us do not seem to exist/ever go outside/speak English, and also have a closed off yard that one cannot sneak into. So I decided (in my infinite wisdom *roll eyes*) to climb the fence.

I am scared of heights. Wait, specifically, I'm afraid of falling from heights, and a 5 foot chain link fence does indeed count as a height. Just like the top of the dishwasher was when I worked at Starbucks. I grab the ladder, and an accomplice (Rob, who has now finished mowing the lawn, and has been roped into being chief swing pusher) and decide to go over. Well, I sure didn't pick a good spot to climb over. You would think that if one were to climb a chain link fence, one would decide to do so where there is a support bar, you know, like there is every 10 feet? No, not me. As I climbed up the ladder and got to the top of the fence, I realized that I could step down onto the fence, both because it wouldn't be comfortable on my feet, and that where I was (right in the middle of two support bars), it was wobbly. When faced with a wobbly footing, I'm likely to fall. Falling isn't my strong suit. Somehow, I managed to hang myself over the fence, by holding the ladder, and dropped down into the neighbor's yard.

When then made me feel like a criminal. Even though I was getting MY OWN pumpkins, in broad daylight, just being in a neighbor's fenced yard felt very, very wrong. I managed to pick the pumpkins, hand them back over the fence to Rob, and pull out the vines that had migrated under the fence to toss them back into our yard.

Then I remembered that I had to get back into our yard. Couldn't go around, because I could get out of the backyard. Had to go over. I pulled the ladder over the fence, and climbed back up. This time, I moved the ladder over so that I was able to stand on the supporting bar. Smart move...except that this time I chose to jump down. Um, not so smart. 5 feet down didn't seem like such a bad idea until I did it. Silly me

So, my house is filled with produce, some ready to eat, others not. I have learned a lot from my first year of gardening. Including lessons like I don't like to weed, cucumbers are hard to grow, and tomatoes can indeed be too much of a good thing.

another funeral week

A woman who was very loved in our church has died. She was a wonderful woman, and was the first person to welcome us to town when we moved here. Her daughter in law is a friend of mine. I'm just feeling sad. Not that she has died, because she was ready to die, in all sorts of ways - mentally, physically and spiritually ready. No, I'm more sad because her family will be missing her. There are some things to be worked out between her children, and some big feelings they will need to deal with. I'm sad that they will need to consider moving along without her, without the personality and spunk she brought to life.

I can only hope that when my time on this earth draws to an end that I am able to consider the end as not just the end, but a new beginning. That I may be gracious and loving right up to the end.

As well, selfishly and silly, I hope that someone will look at my life and who I was and miss me too.

hello/goodbye

Spent yesterday in the 'big city' while Rob had a clergy day. Actually, this city isn't the real big city, but it is a city. Was counting on a nicer day weather-wise. Toted about wet kids after we had some park time. I must really be far enough gone from Vancouver to not consider packing rain pants everywhere.

The main reason I tagged along for a loooonnnggg day on the road was the party at the Bishop's house that night. For starters, we don't get out to such things often. It's nice to do it, especially when there are no commitments holding us home, and we are still 'pre-snow'. As it is, I'm not a real big fan of night driving here - it's SO dark and isolated...aside from the animals one tries to avoid hitting. The other reason being that the party was partially held to say goodbye to a clergy family from our diocese.

Not just any clergy family though. This priest is particularly special to us, and is a part of our journey to get to (exactly) where we are today. He married us some 11 years ago, and was instrumental in nudging Rob and letting him know that the direction he was feeling led to head in wasn't all bad. His family was a part of our lives, way back when, and now they are leaving our cold, cold part of the world for somewhere else. I was so blessed to get to spend time with his wife, and chat about life back then, and life here and now. I had a huge shock when a good looking, tall, young man entered the house and I realized that this was indeed their youngest child. No longer age 6 and stomping about the church in rubber boots, carrying a stick, and telling himself stories, but all grown up. Crazy.

It was so lovely seeing G, P and L again. Sad to see them leaving, and I did tear up a bit when hugging them goodbye. We may not have seen them much since moving here - distance and all - but I will miss them. I wish them well in their new posting, and that their new posting would be a blessing to their family.

As an aside, the drive home was longer than anticipated because of serious fog. At least it was road-kill free. :)

the land of what??

I shared this story with a friend last night, and he found it very funny, so I thought I would share here.

On our travels the last few weeks, we went through the town of Tisdale, Saskatchewan. For those familiar with "Corner Gas", it's where the creator of the show, Brent Butt, is from. (by the way, Corner Gas is apparently going to be airing in the US on Superstation WGN starting Sept. 10. look for it and laugh about the province I live in...) Tisdale also used to be knows as Doghide, for the Doghide river that flows through town.

Anyhow, Tisdale is home to the "world's largest honeybee". I was hoping we would have time to stop and take a picture, but no luck. Tisdale, however, has the strangest "welcome to town" sign I have ever seen. You know how most towns have a "welcome to *town x*" sign, followed by a town motto. Things like "where the prairie meets the pine" or "industry - integrity - progress". Oh no, not Tisdale. Tisdale's motto is "the land of rape and honey". Well, doesn't that just make you want to stay home at night and keep your doors locked? Seriously?

Oh, and for the record, if you didn't know, rape is the old term for Canola. But seriously, if you can change the town name at some point in time, you could update the signs. Not everyone knows the old term for canola, and it is hardly a great tourism move to keep that motto, don't you think?

reflections on changes

I'm in the midst of doing late summer/early fall 'harvesting'. I've been working at doing things with my garden produce, which is rather plentiful, and other fruits/veggies on hand. I'm freezing 20 pounds of peaches tomorrow, and need to grate up yet another mammoth zucchini for the freezer. Today, I baked bread and cookies for Isaac's lunch box.

Such a change from when Rob and I married. Back then, I wasn't much of a cook at all. I could do basics - spaghetti, lasagna, hamburger helper. I didn't really have the ease in the kitchen that I now do. It's really easy for me to whip up something tasty, easy and healthy without much effort. I make my own pizza crust because I prefer it to store bought, not just for economic reasons. I prefer homemade bread to store bought. I'm doing things I never imagined I would be, and enjoying them.

Beyond just food though (although food is great!), I feel that I've changed so much over the last 10 years or so. I'm more confident about some things, less stressed about others. More capable at a lot of things, yet need to show the world my abilities less than I used to...I'm less demanding of the spotlight and attention. I guess in some ways I'm more grown up, more myself than I used to be.

Being a mom was a huge contributing factor to change, naturally. It's actually sad that there are parenting philosophies out there that promote the idea that parenting doesn't change you. It does - it needs to change you. Becoming a mother has changed so much of my heart and my mind, I can't imagine liking myself as much if I hadn't gone through the changes of parenthood. Not to say that non-parents aren't likeable ;) but that *I* really appreciate the refining and changing that being a mom has brought into my life. I do like parts of myself more...and am so much more aware of the parts that aren't so great - it's hard to hide those bits when dealing with small children all day. I'm rather aware of my shortcomings...which is also a good thing. Make them easier to reflect on, work on and deal with when you can't hide them as easily.

It just makes me wonder how much more change I will go through in the next 10 years. How much more different aspects of my personality will look in a decade or two. What events life will throw at me that will bring about change, facilitate change, or even force it.

I wonder how much the people around me have changed, would I see it in them like I see it in myself? Would they see it in me?

Have *you* changed? What brought change into your life?

whirlwind week

whew! It's been *such* a week. I can't believe it's almost September already. Isaac was at my mom's last week, and I headed down with the girls on Wednesday afternoon. Rob came down that night, as he needed the car in town, and had loose ends to tie up here with some funeral arrangements.

We shopped - yay for all the back to school sales. Kids are set for fall and into winter, barring any major growth spurts. We drank coffee - yay Starbucks at hand. We had a date - yay grandmothers. We even had a little road trip/overnighter. Rob had to be at an ordination service on the other side of the province on Friday night, and we ended up going together, taking Ruby along AND overnighting at J and D's place enroute. D is another priest in the diocese, and J is his lovely wife with some mad quilting skills. They have 2 lovely little boys, and it was so nice to have a (quick) visit with them. I hope we can return the favour some day for them.

Now, I'm all caught up in the blur of the last few days before Fall. Although, while driving home yesterday, I did see some trees with leaves in colours that weren't just green. :/ Then I also saw some geese flying south. Rather ominous, if you ask me.

Isaac is in bed, hopefully asleep. He's awfully excited about starting Kindergarten tomorrow. I'm kind of excited too, but more in that sick feeling in the tummy kind of way. I can't believe he's starting school. He's got the new backpack, fresh labels on all his stuff, and an outfit picked out already. I've just baked some muffins for the parent orientation thing tomorrow, and I think I'm just about as ready as I can be for that first day. I just hope it stops raining, rain makes for less than pretty first day pictures.

woo hoo - a date!

a lovely date with a handsome man...who just happens to be the man I'm married to. I got to wear a dress and makeup, and we strolled to the car and back holding hands. We don't do that often, so it's a real treat.

The babysitter was great too - all 3 kids were asleep when we got home. Thanks, mom.

Is there any sound in the world that sounds more like "summer at the lake" than the *thwack* of a screen door?

We had a lovely week and a bit vacation at a cabin "up at the lake" this past week. It was great, even though the weather was less than cooperative. It only rained one day, but was way too cold for August thankyouverymuch. I've never had to run space heaters so consistently in August before. At least the breezy days kept the bugs to a minimum.

Digging in sand, wading in cold water, watching your smallest child attempt and succeed at climbing that should be beyond her ability, some great ice cream, mini-golf, walks, Scrabble, coffee and conversation. What a great week. I am so thankful for the cabin loan.

Good thing I didn't fully succeed at burning it down....let's just say that Kristin had another little kitchen mishap involving a small grease fire in the oven. for the record, it cleaned up beautifully.

more stay at home thoughts

I've been struggling these days with wanting to be out of the house more. The idea of working again has been tempting some days. Then I realize how totally impractical it is. A week of working Vacation Bible School - only half days! - and I'm so beat, and my house is showing it. I've been gone from Ruby more than usual, and that's been hard too. I'm tired, and I can't imagine doing it every week. Throw in that we can't afford the daycare, and it would be so SO silly for me to consider working again. We've never had the option of having family care for our kids, and even here, where prices are cheaper, daycare costs would pretty much cancel out any salary I would earn.

My hat is off to women who are able to balance work and kids. It must be so hard.

Not to mention I've seen a couple of our local daycare workers in action. I'd rather my kids be with me, I know them and love them better than any daycare provider could. Some of these women I've observed have been really great with the kids, but I can't say the same for all of them. Not that they are horrible, they aren't. They aren't quite the same as mom, and that's a good reminder why I am home.

I can get over myself having a bad day at home, or feeling like I'm a touch bored from time to time. That's ok. I can deal. I also love not having to follow someone else's schedule for my time, and that is a HUGE plus. Some days, it's hard not to look at the "other side of the fence" and wonder what it would be like.

August blahs

There is something about August that always gives me a case of the 'blahs'. Maybe it's because the return of Fall is closer at hand. Could be because the days are getting shorter, and the evenings are often cooler - at least they were in BC. It just feels like summer goes by way too quickly, and this is the month where everything starts to get a bit brown (because we don't really 'do' lawn watering) and the crispness of Fall shows it's face. Last summer, we vacationed in August, but that really didn't change the blahs.

This August is no exception. My firstborn starts school in a matter of weeks. He's excited, and I'm of mixed emotions about it. I think the first day of school is the 28th. So soon, too soon. Starting Kindergarten introduces us to a whole new world. Not just school, and all that comes with it, but a new way for our family to be ruled by the calender. We worked our way around Rob's and my student days by following the semesters of school and I was so glad when that ended. Now, we're getting back into it. The school board puts out the dates of school, and we are supposed to play along. That puts a damper on impromptu trips to the city, or skipping out on stuff and having a pj day for all the kids. I don't like having to be tied to a schedule not of my own making.

I really want to do some serious decluttering and reorganizing. I want to have a yard sale and sell off all this baby stuff that is cluttering up my laundry room. I want to really clean out my kitchen cupboards. There just hasn't been TIME. Between the kids, things we have committed to this summer, the heat wave we've been in, and just enjoying life, it's not really been a possibility. Also, I just don't want to really DO it, because that would involve admitting that September is just around the corner. Sooner than I would like, these hot days and long sunsets will end and I'll be looking towards another loooong stretch of snow and cold.

See why I have the blahs?

Brilliant!

A woman I *know* (read: online) and respect has finally decided to compile some of her very wise words into a blog. It's about time.

Yes, I know what causes this, and we're good at it!

jumble of thoughts

Friend of mine in town here had her baby (girl) early this week. She was hoping to have her early, and did. Good news. Then, we got a call today that a member of Rob's extended family has died. Bad news. Also, the news that another extended family member is ill.

So often, it seems, that a birth and a death in people's lives tend to go hand in hand. Take Roo's birth, within a day of my grandmother's death. Richard (the family member who died) was actually our first visitor in our little home here. He leaves behind a wife and a teenaged son. A filmmaker by trade, he never got to finish his legacy project, the film about the family bishop.

Just another reminder that we can plan our lives out to the minute...but our plans are just that - plans. We don't get the final say on how things work out. We don't get to decide exactly how our lives play out. That reality doesn't take away our responsibility to make choices that set us up for good things - education, savings accounts, RRSP/RESP accounts, whatever. We can say dumb things like "I'll never live in Saskatchewan" to friends, and have them laugh at you a few years down the road while you pack moving boxes.

Do I know what life will look like in 2, 5, 10 years? Not really. I have my ideas, our dreams and thoughts...but we don't know for sure. A life-changing phone call is always a possibility. A diagnosis of something unexpected, or a strange bend in the road can sneak up on us at any time.

It's a very good reminder that we aren't in control. My slight control freak self doesn't like that thought, but it is a reality. However, knowing that God is in control, that brings peace. There is peace in knowing that when we are believers, that death here on earth isn't the end. That there is more to come. That is hopeful, encouraging and uplifting in the times that aren't quite so good.

I don't know where everyone's hearts lie, what the "state of their soul" is...but I do know that facing the harder times is easier to bear when you have hope in the one who created the world, sent his son, and brought eternal life. Amen for that!

guess whose brother was out to visit?

can you see the family resemblance?

well, check this out

My first 'harvest'! Yes, I have had a zucchini from the garden already, but this was the first time getting two at once!

Note the kleenex box to show scale.

Now I don't want to go to camp, because my garden is about to produce. :) My cherry tomatoes are turning color, my zucchinis are growing, the strawberries are about to produce a new crop. I don't want to miss out. Now I need to figure out how to deal with all my flowers while we're gone too.

on inlaws

My life as a daughter in law has never been that easy. From the moment Rob and I were dating, my mother in law (MIL) and I haven't often seen eye to eye. hmmm, maybe because I'm so much taller (giggle). I've worked with it, dealt with it, tried to be the best daughter in law I could be.

But I'm just done. Done. I'm beyond making an effort anymore. Yes, that may make me sound petty, but whatever. I need to really just step back and not try anymore, set a boundary to keep me from being hurt more.

I'm tired of feeling like our family doesn't matter to the inlaws. I'm tired of our kids blog being a replacement for relationship. I'm just tired. When you are married for 11 years, and your inlaws still can't recall when you got married, or even how to spell your name, it's probably a sign that it's not a bad time to take a break from making the effort.

blah

oh, ETA - they did call on Rob's birthday. for the first time since March.

gone with the wind

Every time we have a party here, it seems, we get some strange weather. Our first April here, it snowed on Isaac's birthday, the following year it blew a rainstorm in during his party, this year we were forced to move the party inside because the wind was gusting so badly we couldn't open our back door.

Today was no exception. After days of heat and low breezes, we had a cooler day (yay!). Perfect for Rob's birthday "fiesta" party. Everything was
ready, and people were arriving. Fun was being had by the large quantity of children (things really change party-wise post kids). I got our taco bar ready for supper...and the wind turned up a LOT. We couldn't sit outside anymore, because everything was blowing away!




So, like at Isaac's 5th party, we moved inside. We didn't have quite as many people tonight, only 15 kids and 11 adults. Still, it was pretty crazy getting the kids to picnic on the kitchen floor. Fun though. Oh, and we did the pinata with the kids inside. I was very thankful that I had bought a pinata that had a ribbon option, so no small children (Isaac was the oldest) needed to wield a broomstick in order to gain candy. Lots of fun. (yes, I am wearing a princess tiara, it's one of the girls' ones)













It was good. Very good. I was happy that Carolyn liked the drink I styled after the one she served at D's birthday this week better than the one she had. I was thrilled that so many of our newer friends came out to help celebrate Rob's day. Thrilled that we have more playdates lined up. Even more thrilled that Billie helped me clean up "because I wouldn't want you to get too tired, so you will have more of these great parties". Good food (or so I was told *wink*), good conversation, good times. We may just be finding our home here yet.

summer days

Lazy summer days are here. Isaac slept in until 9:30 this morning, when Rob went in to wake him up. We linger in the yard, kids playing while I weed the garden. (will the weeding ever end?) After lunch and some attempts at naps (ha!), the children and I head out to a birthday party. A lovely, low-key yard party for a just turned 2 year old girl. Cake is ignored for watermelon slices and juice. Moms giggle over frozen strawberry slush, which could only be better with vodka (did I just say that?). Despite layering sunscreen, the sun kisses our skin and warms our skin tones. The sun sets late, and the living room is sweaty hot in the evenings. A cold drink is a blessing on days like this.

Rob's birthday is tomorrow. We're off on a day trip for some shopping - mainly stuff for our week at camp (what? how did I become the craft director?) and VBS. A lunch out is in the plans, as is running the kids like mad at a park. I have a small birthday party in the works for Saturday evening. Scratch that, it's going to be bigger than that. Hopefully it goes well, and that people show up. I'm doing things on the "last minute fly" here. A Mexican Fiesta theme, with a pinata for the kids.

Speaking of Rob's birthday, a small package arrived for him today. the first contact aimed in our direction in 3 months...or is it 4 now? Perhaps a phone call will follow tomorrow, but I'm not holding my breath. In the package were two small 'assembly required' vehicles, of the paint your own variety. I'm guessing they were for the kids, or maybe just Isaac as they are indicated for a 5+...on the other hand, we have 3 children. hmm.