he loves me

It's currently -30 something with the wind chill. My van seems to be dead (stoopit thing), probably because we didn't plug it in. Rob is out there right now jump starting it so I can drive to my mom's with the kids this afternoon. That's love.

Not sure if I'd do the same for him - it's really cold out there ya'll!

ABC's

Decided to go on a bit of a blogging ABC kick. Starting today. With A.


A is for Anger

I don't like getting angry, yet I do it. My kids make me angry, I just want them to do what I want them to do, when I want them to do it. Not always realistic, but it still frustrates me and gets me angry some days. Stupid drivers make me angry. We have all these uncontrolled intersections in town, and the rule is, first there, first goes. If two cars get there at the same time, yield to the one on the right. That NEVER happens. Either someone assumes the right of way when it's not theirs, or someone sits there, and sits and waves you through. Ever since my car accident, I'm terribly wary of being waved through an intersection. I get angry because, well, just follow the rules already! Then again, am I really angry, or just really agitated? Could be just agitated. But Angry sounds more exciting.

A is for Anal

as my previous paragraph shows, apparently, I am anal about some things. blah. Although, I have been called anal about things in a good way...there is a good way, right?

look what I did!

For our entrance - I stained this pine bench. Although, I wish we had bought it earlier, because staining things in the garage when it's below freezing isn't something I'm in a huge rush to do again.

It needs a bit of touch up work, but it holds at least 4 snowsuits and accessories to help corral the clutter in the front entrance/living room!

something crafty

The kids and I went to a birthday party today for my friend B's son. As we're close to Christmas, I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to bring a toy for a gift, and our book selections in town are, well, lacking, I thought I would get a little crafty.

A hand-painted sign on canvas was the result. I'm no artist, but I think it turned out ok.

It was a full day today, between the birthday party, kids swimming lessons and the local craft fair. I went to the craft fair and managed to find a couple of things I liked...for me... However, there were some things that I would love to have for myself that weren't there. Got me thinking of some crafty ideas to build on. hmmm.....
if only I could sew...

I'm generally not a knick-knack kind of girl. I don't really maintain much in the way of collections, possibly because I don't care for dusting. However, while on my little shopping excursion with Janice the other day, I found this.



Isn't it just darling? I just loved it, so I bought it. It was crazy cheap too. It reminded me somewhat of the church of my young childhood, St. John's...which is now the town museum. White and black with the front entrance/narthex set out from the building.

washing my hands

yep. washing my hands of a few thing. it's good to do. but it still hurts.

Loving

- snow tires on van
- a last minute shopping outing with a friend
- finding fun things on said shopping trip - things that cover up the icky 'used to be a clock holder, but is now just useless and ugly' spot on my kitchen cupboards. Things like a neat Christmas present for my mom













-snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes (or on the hood of a jacket)
















Not Loving

- the irony of getting stuck in a snowbank after getting snow tires on the van
- more kid injuries in home
- having to wait 3 days for a minor dental emergency for my child
- finding the cutest little antique cupboard, and nowhere to put it
- thinking that one child's cough is sounding too asthmatic for comfort
- feeling like I'm not all together, physically or mentally.
- that Jesse (trainer) is going to be away for 3 weeks
- trying to figure out how to really do the friendship thing all over again. tying that in with my innate insecurity, it's not a great combo

blah, blah, blah

What I'm loving
- looking at snow

- day out to city for camp AGM without kids

- long distance phone calls from people who love me

- playdates

- playdates for mom to go to, after bedtime for children

- giggling and good conversation at said playdates

- picking myself a new pair of 'pretty' winter boots

- starting Christmas baking

- potty trained children

What I'm not loving

- snow still falling, without snow tires on van yet

- having to shelve much anticipated travel plans for a variety of reasons (pout pout)

- our bathroom looking like a scene out of Psycho this week, as two children have bathtub related injuries

- persistent health issues, without good explanation or doctor support to help solve

- working hard, but no results.

- not feeling the love

- feeling cranky about these things

just a few things I've heard people say lately that make me pause.

- "I get the flu shot every year. I used to get a couple of bad colds every winter, but I don't after getting the flu shot". last time I checked, the flu shot doesn't protect against the common cold, either you had a mild flu that you didn't get, you 'got lucky', or you probably worked harder at hand washing, which is really your best line of defense against getting anything.

- "my child is constipated, and has been since they started rice cereal, do you think it could be related?" "yes, it could be, it's so full of iron and no fiber, maybe try cutting it out and see if it gets better" "but I can't cut it out, she needs to eat it or she won't sleep at night!" cereal = sleep has been disproved, and rice cereal has very little nutritional benefit and IS constipating for many little ones. better to go with some fruit or veggies, like avocado or peaches.

- "my son is only 10 months, but his legs look so squished up rear-facing in his car seat. I think I should turn him around" as I told this mom, no matter how squished his legs look, little ones are much more bendy than adults are. What would cramp up our legs isn't quite the same to a baby. He's safer rear facing until at LEAST one year AND 20 pounds AND able to pull up to a stand on his own. Even if his legs were folded right up, he'd be safer in a collision rear facing, even if his leg broke - a broken leg is easier to fix than a spinal or brain injury.

- "my granddaughter always wanted to be a princess for halloween, but she has red hair, so she couldn't wear a pink dress" um, what? poor kid!

mommy hats and art

Last night, there was an arts evening here in town. Free admission, wine and cheese, and local artists displaying their artwork. It was a wonderful evening to go out to.

I know that I've been feeling really inspired lately to do something artistic. Photography, painting, I don't quite know what. I'm just feeling a need to express myself more creatively. Seeing the art last night was inspiring, and encouraging to me to nurture that creative spark within. The question is more how, though.

I had a couple of great conversations there too. About random things, pretty paintings, if the woman who did the beautiful stained glass would notice if we stole it (kidding, kidding). I ran into a woman that I'm developing a friendship with (J), and we had a really lovely talk. Beyond basic things like what our kids were doing, and mom stuff, but about bigger things. Like how it's so easy to "wear hats". The hat of being my kids mom, of being my husband's wife. How easy it is to become known as who part of who we are related to as opposed to who we are. The expectations placed on us by being someone's wife - especially when one's husband works in an area where *your* knowledge is assumed to exist because of *his* work, something both J and I deal with as pastor and farmer wives. The strangeness of not really feeling like your personality, your choices are fully your own as a stay at home mom. The struggle to remember what else defined you before children.

Through that discussion, it was so very nice to know that I'm not the only woman struggling with the same concerns. I'm not the only mom who wonders where *she* went some days. I'm not the only mom who sometimes realizes that days have gone by without much meaningful adult conversation. I'm not the only woman who wants to be known for who she is instead of who she is connected to.

It's not that I don't want to be Rob's wife, or the kids' mom. I want to be Kristin. Kristin who is the wife and mother...but is also the woman. I'm more than the sum of the 'family parts' around me, even on days it doesn't feel like it. To a certain extent, I know I can't escape it, but I don't have to define myself that way either. My brain hasn't atrophied since giving birth, even if it's harder to express a coherent thought some days. Yes, parenting and it's choices are a bit thing I think and talk about - can't avoid it, as it is a large part of my daily life, but it's not the only thing I think about.

I just really enjoyed fleshing some of that out with another mom who is in the same place, we walk in similar shoes...or would that be drive similar vans?

Maybe I just need to pull out my paints and let my mind wander.

waiting

I'm now in waiting mode. Saw the doc today. He affirmed that my thyroid sounded nutty, so wrote up the blood work req. Then we chatted about my knee. I showed him where it hurt, and what aggravated it. He poked and wiggled, pressed and bent and sent me for x-rays. He said it sounded like a bone issue as opposed to muscle. Ick.

Then I headed off the hospital for the lab work. I've never been in and out of an appointment quite so fast before! They are so good at the hospital lab, really, the woman who does the blood work is so great, I don't even feel it. The x-ray guy was really nice too.

Now I wait, and hope that something turns up abnormal, not because I want things to be wrong, but it would at least explain things better.

frustration

I posted earlier about my trainer. I'm seeing him 3 times a week, and he kicks my behind every time.

I'm also going to aquafit at the local pool, also three times a week.

I also am doing exercise videos at home.

I'm eating pretty much weight watchers style, with a few blips here and there (like Mike's wedding...hello dessert table! It was good that we walked by that table to get to the buffet, guess who had salad for dinner?)

But the weight is barely budging. To the point that I'm getting very frustrated. I know that it takes a body time to lose weight, blah, blah, blah. But really, if you saw how hard I was working, how much effort I'm putting in, you would understand why I'm frustrated.

I'm going to be getting my thyroid tested this week. I have enough other things pointing to it being out of whack, but this weight stall is a huge sign. My body dropped 10 pounds over 10 weeks, but is holding on so tightly to every pound right now, it's ridiculous. Maddening. Not to mention depressing and sad-making.

It's enough to drive a girl to cheesecake.

been some time

It's been a while since I've posted. Life goes by quickly these days.

We had a road trip to BC for Mike and Maritza's wedding. We only took R with us, and the other two stayed with my mom at our house. It was a great trip. Catching up with old friends, making new ones, getting to finally see Mike get married. It's been a long time since he was best man at our wedding, and Rob finally got to return the favor. Great time, for sure. Good to be home though, missed the older kids, and was glad to sleep in my own bed again.

I've got a lot of things going on in my head, and lots of blog post ideas, but nothing seems to get out of my head and out of my fingers these days. Not always a bad thing.

so, I should just come out with it

I'm seeing someone. His name is Jesse.

3 times a week, we have a standing date. He is a bit mean though, and he often makes me do things I would rather not do. He pushes me too. I'm learning to like it. It also gets pretty hot.

Oh, gosh people. He's my trainer!

Yes, I'm seeing a personal trainer. My friend Melissa and I are seeing Jesse for a workout 3 times a week. He's tough, but it's a great workout. He's martial arts-based, so we do lots of kicking an punching, as well as strength training (insert "Everybody was Kung-Fu fighting" here) I've been keeping this pretty much on the down-low for the last month, but I'm really enjoying it. Also, now Melissa's brother and his buddy are joining our class, which keeps costs lower for us all. They started tonight. I am really pleased to say that I managed to totally kick their behinds. Not bad for a woman 10 years older than they are! That made my night.

ideas percolating

Norah's 3rd birthday party was today. It was wonderful, busy, loud and sugary. All things that a 3 year old's birthday party should be.

Today, at her party, I received some outside confirmation/affirmation on some ideas that have been percolating in my head for a while now. Ideas that my friend Melissa and I have been playing with. I think this may have been a sign of steps that should be taken, to actually put some thoughts to action, to be bold and move forward.

It's exciting.

Stay tuned for future development....

timing and provision

We've been trying to really bang out a budget here. On paper, we shouldn't be having money be as tight as it's been. We shouldn't be as behind as we were getting. Then I crunched the numbers, are realized that with two parties in three months earlier this year, plus other 'fun' things like meals out on trips to the city (and, ahem, alcohol consumption up significantly with the summer heat), we were spending 3 times what we thought we were on food and drink. 3 times. Let that sink in a bit.

As a result of that shocking discovery for May and July (June wasn't that bad, nor was August), we are making cutbacks and tightening the financial control a bit.

We've been coasting along since then, and doing alright. Still feeling the pinch, especially with Norah's birthday and party this weekend.

Then I got the mail on Friday. Apparently, we picked up a photo-generated ticket while visiting my mom last month. And by "we", it was actually Rob. He didn't come to a 'complete, total stop' while at a red light, and we got dinged. Apparently, it's an intersection where the city is 'making a killing', and he did stop, just not long enough. BAH. It's a BIG ticket. A ticket that had us thinking we were going to be putting the groceries on the credit card for this half of the month. I was cranky about it, as was Rob - who was also rather sheepish about the mistake.

Well, imagine our surprise yesterday. Someone stopped by yesterday to drop off some cards for Rob and the church, thank yous for the funeral that was done this weekend. Inside the card for Rob was a (very unexpected) cheque. For the amount of the ticket, PLUS the new PS2 Hockey game that Rob was wanting. *as an aside, Rob buys one PS2 game a year, and this is the one, so it's hardly an addiction or expensive hobby*. Wow.

Thanks, God, for your provision when we were just starting to worry. The game was just a bonus. :)

GAH!

Know what makes me CRAZY???

when you bake/cook something, have it be a huge hit, decide to make it again....and can't find the recipe!

anyone know where my banana muffin recipe is? anyone?

adventures in gardening

there has been an on-again, off-again frost warning hovering around town lately. I took that as my sign that summer was over, and it was time to "harvest the garden".

Note to self: next summer, less tomato plants, spaced further apart. Buy the tomato staking cages *when you see them*, don't wait until later, when you can't find them and try bamboo stakes instead, which don't hold up to a couple of seriously windy days/storms and blow over, making your tomatoes turn into a matted mess of vines all over the ground.

After picking up the boy from school, the kids and I all headed out to the yard to pick vegetables/ride bikes/fight/throw sand/annoy mom. I should have remembered that I still need mosquito spray, even if it's getting cold, so I don't die from West Nile Virus (roll eyes, but I still got bit) My tomatoes were everywhere, and were a total mess. A very productive mess, but still a mess. I had to really work hard at pulling the (still very green) tomatoes off the vines, while weeding out the ones that were icky because of the vines sitting on the ground. I was filling up my large bowls at a speed that I didn't quite believe. All while trying to remind the girls that I was not in swing pushing mode, that they would have to wait until dad finished mowing the front lawn.

Tomatoes everywhere. Tomatoes beyond my wildest dreams. Tomatoes that should ripen, eventually...I hope. Lots still in the garden too - the icky ones.

I picked the peppers. My yellow peppers were much bigger than the red peppers. However, colour is a moot point, as August wasn't warm enough for them to change colour anyhow, and they are all still very green. I don't think they will change colour, like the tomatoes will. Lots of peppers, so that was exciting.

My zucchini plants seem to have tapered off...I think. That's taken care of. The last honeydew was picked. It was small, but I picked it anyhow, didn't want the frost to steal it away.

note to self: less zucchini plants next year, and don't forget to pick zukes before going away for a week - 5+ pound zukes aren't as nice to eat. Also, don't plant zukes too close to pumpkins.

Then it came time for the pumpkins.

What can I say? The zucchini plants are aggressive and took over a lot of the garden. The pumpkin plants tried to hold their own, weaving around the bases of the sunflowers, but ultimately retreated. Under the fence. There were at least 2 pumpkins on the other side of the fence. Unfortunately, the neighbors behind us do not seem to exist/ever go outside/speak English, and also have a closed off yard that one cannot sneak into. So I decided (in my infinite wisdom *roll eyes*) to climb the fence.

I am scared of heights. Wait, specifically, I'm afraid of falling from heights, and a 5 foot chain link fence does indeed count as a height. Just like the top of the dishwasher was when I worked at Starbucks. I grab the ladder, and an accomplice (Rob, who has now finished mowing the lawn, and has been roped into being chief swing pusher) and decide to go over. Well, I sure didn't pick a good spot to climb over. You would think that if one were to climb a chain link fence, one would decide to do so where there is a support bar, you know, like there is every 10 feet? No, not me. As I climbed up the ladder and got to the top of the fence, I realized that I could step down onto the fence, both because it wouldn't be comfortable on my feet, and that where I was (right in the middle of two support bars), it was wobbly. When faced with a wobbly footing, I'm likely to fall. Falling isn't my strong suit. Somehow, I managed to hang myself over the fence, by holding the ladder, and dropped down into the neighbor's yard.

When then made me feel like a criminal. Even though I was getting MY OWN pumpkins, in broad daylight, just being in a neighbor's fenced yard felt very, very wrong. I managed to pick the pumpkins, hand them back over the fence to Rob, and pull out the vines that had migrated under the fence to toss them back into our yard.

Then I remembered that I had to get back into our yard. Couldn't go around, because I could get out of the backyard. Had to go over. I pulled the ladder over the fence, and climbed back up. This time, I moved the ladder over so that I was able to stand on the supporting bar. Smart move...except that this time I chose to jump down. Um, not so smart. 5 feet down didn't seem like such a bad idea until I did it. Silly me

So, my house is filled with produce, some ready to eat, others not. I have learned a lot from my first year of gardening. Including lessons like I don't like to weed, cucumbers are hard to grow, and tomatoes can indeed be too much of a good thing.

another funeral week

A woman who was very loved in our church has died. She was a wonderful woman, and was the first person to welcome us to town when we moved here. Her daughter in law is a friend of mine. I'm just feeling sad. Not that she has died, because she was ready to die, in all sorts of ways - mentally, physically and spiritually ready. No, I'm more sad because her family will be missing her. There are some things to be worked out between her children, and some big feelings they will need to deal with. I'm sad that they will need to consider moving along without her, without the personality and spunk she brought to life.

I can only hope that when my time on this earth draws to an end that I am able to consider the end as not just the end, but a new beginning. That I may be gracious and loving right up to the end.

As well, selfishly and silly, I hope that someone will look at my life and who I was and miss me too.

hello/goodbye

Spent yesterday in the 'big city' while Rob had a clergy day. Actually, this city isn't the real big city, but it is a city. Was counting on a nicer day weather-wise. Toted about wet kids after we had some park time. I must really be far enough gone from Vancouver to not consider packing rain pants everywhere.

The main reason I tagged along for a loooonnnggg day on the road was the party at the Bishop's house that night. For starters, we don't get out to such things often. It's nice to do it, especially when there are no commitments holding us home, and we are still 'pre-snow'. As it is, I'm not a real big fan of night driving here - it's SO dark and isolated...aside from the animals one tries to avoid hitting. The other reason being that the party was partially held to say goodbye to a clergy family from our diocese.

Not just any clergy family though. This priest is particularly special to us, and is a part of our journey to get to (exactly) where we are today. He married us some 11 years ago, and was instrumental in nudging Rob and letting him know that the direction he was feeling led to head in wasn't all bad. His family was a part of our lives, way back when, and now they are leaving our cold, cold part of the world for somewhere else. I was so blessed to get to spend time with his wife, and chat about life back then, and life here and now. I had a huge shock when a good looking, tall, young man entered the house and I realized that this was indeed their youngest child. No longer age 6 and stomping about the church in rubber boots, carrying a stick, and telling himself stories, but all grown up. Crazy.

It was so lovely seeing G, P and L again. Sad to see them leaving, and I did tear up a bit when hugging them goodbye. We may not have seen them much since moving here - distance and all - but I will miss them. I wish them well in their new posting, and that their new posting would be a blessing to their family.

As an aside, the drive home was longer than anticipated because of serious fog. At least it was road-kill free. :)