random, rambly post

I don't even know what to type right now. My brain has been on overdrive all morning, and it's all feeling mushy at the same time.

I'm thinking about how much I've changed over the past 7 or so years. How I'm different. How I like some of the changes, but not others. How there is less drama in my life, which is good, but also more guardedness. Like I'm holding parts of myself back, which isn't so good. Like I'm guarding myself against things. Yet, things sometimes just feel numb, which isn't good either.

I can think of a few triggers over the years: my parents splitting up, a couple of our moves, my car accident, the births of the kids - particularly Ruby's. Some physical changes/hurts, some emotional. But things that have contributed to changes in me. Mistakes I've made, hurts I've caused, sadness I've tried to keep hidden, it just bubbles and percolates. Things I wish I could change, words I'd say differently next time, opportunities missed, times I've held back and maybe shouldn't have. I've been a lousy friend, a weak daughter, a selfish sister, not the best me I could be. I don't even know how to begin to fix things, let alone fully recognize where things are broken. I feel unloved and unlovable. I don't know how to ask for help. I don't know...I just don't know...

sigh.