Why I am a SAHM

A few people I know right now are debating the return to work or stay at home question. It got me to thinking about the reasons why I decided to stay home.

I had always considered being a SAHM. It was something that Rob and I had discussed way before kids. Yet I wasn't totally sure that it was the choice I wanted to make. I had either been working or in school since I was 15 and was used to working. It was hard to imagine my life without a paycheque, without being able to put a dollar value on my time. Not contributing financially to the household.

Then I discovered I was expecting Isaac. I had just graduated from college with my PR diploma. I finally had earning potential beyond my retail management background. But I wasn't sure that I wanted to go that route.

I fell into a great job that touched on lots of my skills, but was still not super demanding, and they loved me. As in, constant ego boosting comments and recognition...then again, I was replacing a woman who by all accounts was totally incompetent. Apparently doing something right and without complaining went a long way. Every day, I felt appreciated and valued - and I had a lot of fun with some of the women in the office. My supervisor was almost family, really, almost family - she was married to my cousin's husband...which is how I ended up there in the first place.

It was also in that job that I started to really think about my options after childbirth.

Most of the women in my office were working moms. Some of them had kids in high school and beyond, but most had kids under age 10. And that's where things got interesting. I got to talk to lots of them about their choices - my desk was a common hangout. I asked them questions, they offered me their thoughts and opinions. They revealed a lot more than they told me with their words.

There was C. Who told me lots about her girls, but who had lots of fights with her DH on the phone as to who's turn it was to leave work early to pick up a sick 4 year old. A, a single mom, who had no family support and juggled a preteen who didn't believe she needed daycare anymore. J, who was in the middle of a divorce, and fought back tears as she told me about how amazing it was to give birth to her sons, how spiritual that moment was, and how much she hated to leave them to return to work. But that her ex-DH insisted she work, and that was one of the big factors in their divorce. J, who wanted so much to move up the corporate ladder. She cried every time she talked about her not quite 2 year old DD, but told me how she had to harden her heart when her DD wanted her home because she needed to become a manager. She also fought her DH over who "got stuck home" with that DD when she was sick. P, who had a daughter my age, who encouraged me to be home "when the babies are tiny, that's sacred time you never get back".

But the clincher was T. Her dd (age 4 at the time) has the same name as me. T would have to travel often, and work long hours. To be fair, she did work varied hours in order to be able to help out at her dd's preschool, but she was away from home quite a bit. Her dd started telling T that she wished she could be Kristin S (me) when she grew up, so she could spend lots of time with her mom. Cute story, but it really got me thinking. *I* was spending more time in the week with T than her dd was. Especially when you factored in how much time they spent running around on the weekends, fitting in activities, errands and get-togethers. They almost never spent time together, alone as a family. T was also one of the many moms who told me that they 'had to work, they needed it, to be away and keeping busy".

I realised then that I wanted more for my kids. I'm not saying that I think any of those moms weren't good mothers, not at all. But it sure is hard to fit everything in around a work schedule. I wasn' t having this baby to have somebody else raise them, to spend the hours they were awake with someone who didn't love them like I did. It wasn't about what I wanted, it was about what was best for my baby. To be cared for by a parent who loves them. I thought back to my childhood and how, sure I liked spending time at the babysitters (my mom worked part time) but I sure prefered being home with my mom or dad. Why should my child not get my best hours of the day?

I knew then that my decision was made. Not easy, for sure. Hard to give up the paycheque, the feeling of contributing to the family. The great feeling of a job well done, and being thanked for my effort. Then Rob said "but you will be contributing. You will be raising our child". He was right. I didn't want to be juggling daycare and work. Bargaining with Rob as to who was more able to take a day to be home with a sick child. Fixing dinner in a rush after a busy day. Trying to squeeze errands into a Saturday, or maybe Sunday afternoon after church. Hearing about my child's milestones from a daycare provider. Paying somebody to spend their days with my precious, wanted, and planned for child. I knew that my heart was at home.